Greetings,
I was hoping by starting up a blogger page my muse would instantly return from the exceedingly long vacation it has been on. Today is April 2 and I haven't been able to form a creative thought for several months now. Frankly I am fit to be tied. I hate not being creative. Creativity is like crack to me and it has alway been like that for the things that jazz me. Several years ago I would sit for hours coding Active Server Pages (ASP) tying into databases, creating forms, collecting data and hours would fly by. Before that it was doing prep work for a job as a radio personality. It wasn't uncommon to see me huddle over a stack of newspapers and a computer looking for stuff to write jokes about. If hours past and I was oblivious of the passage of time, I knew my muse was stroking my creative shaft and I loved it!!!
Lately it has been quite the opposite. Yes life is very different now compared to back then. Marriage, kids, job, unemployment, pending foreclosure. The dark cloud has sent my muse into a hole so deep Satan himself was quoted as saying "Are you fucking kidding me... I ain't going down there!"
I miss my muse so much these days. My personal life is in shambles. My health is severely out of control. My professional life is utter chaos without a college degree ( I am self educated and worked in my field of expertise for 20 years). After I got laid off from my job I thought it would be a perfect time to pursue my dream job of Final Cut editing. As fate would have it, a string of what I can only describe as a reign of unfortunate situations stopped me in my tracks. Not only were my goals shut down but as a person I was closing up shop. If it wasn't house related items needing repairs, marriage issues and lack of job it was car accidents, a swarm of locust & water turning to blood. 2009 was not a banner year and 2010 hasn't shown much promise either.
I feel my mind starting to drain of all original thought. Gotta run, until next time.
PAK
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keep the faith paul! i know you and am positive you will again find your muse and all will begin to fall into place. for now know that friends are there for you and your wife and children are top priority.
ReplyDeletePaul, loved your post, but didn't like reading it. It almost seems like you are sinking into the rabbit hole and it scares me even tho' we don't know each other very well. But I've never known you to give up on things. I know it's easy for other people to say 'things will get better', and 'keep your chin up', but that's not helping you is it? I can understand how hard it is to be in your position but if you give up it will actually have an impact on my life too, believe it or not. As you know I have psoriasis also, and it's gotten so bad that it's pulling me down into a black hole and turning me into a recluse. I have to wait til the end of the month to see another doctor who will start me on light therapy and I'm so counting on it to work. But having no job, two kids and a mortgage to pay like you do just adds to the 'psoriasis depression' that we have to endure. I just want to say that the Paul I know doesn't give up and I''m rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteYou have my sincere best wishes for your life to turn around and head in the right direction.
Keep on trying. Barbara