Not Fade Away

Not Fade Away

My life as it stands today is a mix bag of missteps, mistakes and missed opportunities. I should point out however my life is not over yet. I have decided to take back my life. My life is not a collection of my mistakes. My life is not about the bad choices I have made time and time again. This life I am leading is not about where I am today. My life is about what I am going to DO today to secure my better tomorrow. My life is about remembering the missteps, mistakes and missed opportunities, learning where I went wrong and saying "Screw You" to ever falling down the rabbit hole again. But what is all this talk without a plan? I'll tell you….it's crap. feces, cow patty, waste, refuse….it's shit. So what's my plan? Do I, in fact, have a plan? The answer is yes… not yes and no, not maybe, not I think so. If my answer wasn't a solid yes without hesitation, I am back having blue hawaiians with the Tidy-Bowl man. I am the fucking king of "kinda have a plan but I have to wait for certain things to happen to make the plan work." That has served me about as well as a David Ortiz at bat in the young MLB season. Without a plan, without careful execution of the plan I will end up going down swinging without making any kind of progress. And where does that lead?….that's right…more shit.

Say what you want about Keanu Reeves but his speech in "The Replacements" about being in quicksand is right on. It's so easy to get trapped. The plan works when you submit to the plan, believe the plan and execute the plan. This time I trust the plan no matter what happens along the way. It could come to pass that life throws me a curve ball and a part of the plan gets tripped up. In the past that would spell doom for the whole plan because I wasn't completely committed to the plan. Now should I get tripped up (and I am sure I will) I can compensate, re-adjust, quickly reevaluate and keep the plan alive because I TRUST THE PLAN, which in turn means I trust me to get through the plan with my goals achieved and even surpassed. I have finally arrived at the place I need to be. A place where my fucking mess of a life doesn't make sense to me anymore and I taking back control of it once and for all. It's never not too late. It's not impossible. It just takes the commitment to the plan, the code to make it what I want it to be.

Words on a computer screen are cheap…and mine are cheaper than most. The action steps within my plan are obtainable with absolute commitment to the code I have laid out before me. I can't be half in anymore. No longer can I afford to be the king of "I tried", "I can't", "It's too hard", "My life is too crazy" or any of the hundreds of excuses I have used over the years. I merely have to be the man who says less and does more. To quote a great line from a so-so movie,

"I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it would do any good"

Start that engine and ZZZZZZZZZIP!!!! I got stuff to do.

Still looking for a good tagline,

PAK

    

Seriously...I Saved THAT?

I've moved a few times in my life. From the time I was 20 until now I have moved a total of 18 times. I know this because I just sat down with a piece of paper and went through the whole thing and even I am amazed at the number of times. So here I sit on the verge of at least another 2 moves before we get settled after the foreclosure. I bring this up because on Saturday I spent several hours in my storage facility in Malden going through all my STUFF. I gotta tell ya, I have stuff going back to move number 1 from Malden to St Petersburg Florida in 1987. While I don't consider myself a pack rat, I do have an abnormally high "sentimental" attachment to certain things like letters, cards, cd rom drives, empty phone boxes, girlie stuffed animals (obviously ex girlfriends must have left them in my apartments…pffft) and copies of Windows 3.11 for Workgroups. I had to make a decision on everything in that bin, "Do I need it or not?" So began my quest…

Surprisingly the choices I had to make were simple. I must have gone through 4 or 5 boxes before I saved anything. The deeper I got the more I realized I had a SERIOUS F'IN PROBLEM with throwing shit away. I guess at the time I felt I needed to remember the past because I wasn't to invested in the present or the future. My life is completely different now and the past isn't as important as it once was. Once I got past that feeling it was so easy to throw stuff in the trash pile.

Photos were the top thing I saved, that's completely understandable…although I did trash some photos of me and an ex-girlfriend when I was living in Washington State. It's not because I had any hard feelings towards her, the photos were us hugging, laying together on a couch at Christmas time and the like. I took them in one last time and said a brief but fond farewell to the flesh..er photos (CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN….who dares me?).

I'll return to the bin later this week to go through the rest of the boxes and with any luck I'll be able stop renting the storage bin once and for all.

My psoriasis is clearing up nicely with the meds. Another few days to get through the itchy phase and by Thursday I will be on a maintenance plan of application ever third day instead of daily.. WHOOOO! Wish I could say the same for the bursitis but I still have a few days to go for the meds to kick in.

Still no call back from the two friends I called last week. I officially stopped wiling my phone to ring.

Lastly, I walked 8 miles today which is my longest walk since I did the Walk For Hunger 12 years ago. Mentally I started off with a goal of 5 miles. When I hit the 2.5 mile mark I didn't feel like turning around yet. As I approached the 5k (3.1 miles) I didn't feel like slowing down so at just shy of 4 miles I decided to turn back towards home. It was a gorgeous day for a walk and given my life as of late, my body will definitely make use of the added movement to release those much needed endorphins. Here's to tomorrow and another 8 miles….or more…

Thanks to all those who have subscribed to this blog!!!!!

PAK

Live from my iPhone

My Short Blog - April 8, 2010

Yesterday my phone, internet and cable were shut off by Verizon. We knew it was going to happen and with everything going on it was pointless to fight it off. Having said that, it is maddening not to be able to get online to check news, Facebook, Twitter and of course, update this blog which has become a vital part of my therapy for getting through the rough seas I am currently navigating. Luckily my iPhone has access to my email, Facebook (lite), Twitter and web browsing but not without its drawbacks. Drawbacks aside its better than nothing. Now the internet and phone are covered (lets not forget the PHONE part of the iPhone), but the cable part of the equation is where trouble begins. No cable means no DVR and no DVR means no shows are being recorded for viewing later. Now you might ask yourself, "What about just hooking up an antenna?" That is a great question and I am glad you asked. The problem there is this: Last June the FCC shut down the analog signal in favor of a digital signal. In order to receive the digital signal I would need to purchase a converter. And while the idea crossed my mind, I haven't got a pot to piss in so a TV converter is out of the question…. The name of my new game is total responsible behavior because without that, my situation will never get any better. I can go without TV to serve the greater good plus its springtime…though if it were wintertime, I fear I might be on the corner whoring myself out for money to get the converter. I know, its a frightening visual…

Started my psoriasis meeds today. Already feeling some relief…but I know the payday comes a week or so from now with daily application. Stay tuned.

I spoke to my friend I had a disagreement with last Friday today. We both understand our friendship has been strained for some time now and mutually decided space was needed in order to take care of some personal stuff. From where I sit, we are still dear friends and when the time is right we will resume our friendship where it can be afforded a stronger basis and a lot more enjoyable. And because my friends mean so much to me, I look forward to that day.

Lastly, I wanted to throw a bone of contention to the she-devil who was in the Market Basket parking lot a few days ago trying to back her SUV into a parking spot while talking on the phone. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO IT, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU CAN'T. SO PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND CALL MUFFY BACK AND TELL HER MORE ABOUT THE CUTE GUY IN THE RED MINIVAN WITH THE TWO ADORABLE KIDS…oh wait…hehehe…you go right on talking… I'll wait….

Still searching for a tagline,

PAK

TJM-in-training & Rising Son

Greetings,

Went to my doctor today, well the nurse practitioner who I have seen in the past when my doctor is booked up.  She is really nice and capable so I trust her as I would my own doctor.  Trouble has been my shoulders range of motion has really decreased over the past several weeks.  With everything going on, my shoulder was the least of my worries.  However this changed when I tried to swat a fly the other day and the motion of swinging my arm towards the ceiling sent shockwaves of pain through my shoulder and down to my elbow.  My daughter was standing there when it happened, and without blinking, taking a page from the typical jewish mother handbook, "Daddy you really should see a doctor about that!"  So the diagnosis was bursitis and a treatment was prescribed.  When I came home I saw my daughter first and without missing a beat she said "I said you would feel better after you went to the doctor's daddy!"  She's a keeper!

Finally get my psoriasis meds tomorrow.  Hopefully relief is a week away!

In my quest to add more substance to my demo reel I decided to take on a project for the sole purpose of bulking up said demo reel.  I am making a 10-15 minute documentary on my hometown of Malden.  I am not sure what the focus will be either "My memory of Malden" or a Past Present Future" thing.  I may even just create a "trailer" for a documentary that doesn't exist.  At any rate, yesterday I went out and shot footage around Malden.  While I was driving around and looking at the city through the camera I was struck with a bit of nostalgia.  Some of you who know me know I am a nostalgia whore and quite frankly that trait hasn't served me to well in my life.  My nostalgia brought me to think of two people from my past I haven't spoken to in a long while.  I've wanted to reconnect with them but wondered if I should.  I've had their numbers in my phone for a while now but for whatever reason I haven't called.  Long story short (TOO LATE!) I left messages for both and now just wait for a response if one is coming.

And lastly I will end with this story.  Tonight we were sitting down as a family and eating dinner.  I grilled some burgers and dogs, the wife made veggies and some brown rice.  Call us odd but we generally eat our burgers bun-less.  Why did I tell you that...IDK.  So there we are sitting at the table and I just ingested my one diet soda for the day and felt a rumblie in my tumblie.  Without the benefit of thought I extended my index finger to my son seated next to me in his high chair and uttered the word spoken by my father, his father before him and his father before him...."PULL MY FINGER!"  My son looked into my eyes as if to say

"I know this is really important to you and believe this to be a bonding moment...I gotta be honest with you, I think so too...so I will pull your finger and you can expel your digestive tract gas and we'll  laugh and share the moment...because I love you....but take notice big guy...there will come a day when I will need you to do me a solid...."  

The moment passes then the gas, a hearty laugh was shared by father and son and the world felt a little less sucky for that moment....and well this moment too as I write it here.  Thank you JD...Daddy loves you.

Ok,  That's all I have for today...  Still searching for a closing tag line.

PAK

Day Two - Gotta Be Starting Somethin'

Greetings!

This being the day after my first post, I found myself feeling a little better than I have the past several weeks.  It's obviously debatable if it was the previous post or something else that brought on the good vibe today.  Either way, I'll take it.  

As I was driving to an appointment today I was thinking about this blog.  What should I do with it?  Who should I target?  Should I find a hook?  The best I could come up with was the decision to have recurring themes / subjects.  Here now are the list of recurring themes (in no particular order) I will be blogging about.  Obviously I refrain from limiting myself to theses...

• Daily life
• Diabetes
• Psoriasis
• Exercise and the lack thereof 
• Eating  and the abundance thereof
• Film / Video production / Whoring myself out as an editor
• Therapy
• Parenting
• Marriage
• TBD

Today's entry is just a mish mash.  I had started to talk about my pain due to the untreated psoriasis but I quickly grew bored with what I was writing...actually felt myself nodding off while typing.  May actually go into stream of conscience writing for the rest of todays entry because my mind is racing with many different streams....of course the constant stream is the persistent itch from my back and abdomen from the psoriasis covering better than 60% of my body right now.  I've been talking to people about my plan to make a documentary about my battle with psoriasis on a personal level and how I had to overcome what I felt were the worlds eyes on me whenever my flare ups were seen by the public.  Society's reaction to my affliction range from no reaction to repulsion and everywhere in between.  I remember being on my honeymoon in Aruba and being afraid to take of my shirt at the beach because of the fear that everyone would be looking at me and thinking something...anything really.  It's a lousy feeling.  Thankfully I got to a place where I wasn't going to care what people thought or care about their looks (and there were plenty of them).  It was very difficult but it was the first step in my rethinking process.  I no longer care what people think about it.  I am open and honest about it and will discuss my knowledge about the condition with anyone who wants to be educated.  Guess I went back to psoriasis without nodding off.  Second time is a charm I guess....

Tomorrow is Easter.  My daughter asked me today what Easter "was for".  Being I am not an overly religious man I told her 4 year old-ness that Easter was a springtime holiday to celebrate the revival of the leaves on the trees, flowers, all of natures treasures that have been dormant all winter long.  When she asked about the Easter Bunny and his part in the holiday I told her to ask her mother.... I wasn't going to ruin my gem of an answer on a bunny.

I gotta get back to walking and running.  I was happy when I was doing that.  I was an idiot to have fallen so far....Gotta get back...Nike's slogan is effective for the simple reason it's simple...Just Do It...  which to me means, no excuses, no bullshit....get it done....start with one step...Just Do It...Just Do It....Just Do It....

Had a disagreement on Friday with someone I am very close with.  My fear is we are not as close anymore.  I guess time will tell.  I've lost too many friends over the years.  It kills me a little bit each time.  I hope we'll be ok, rather better.  If you are reading this, you know your opinion matters.

Ok 8:42 on Saturday night...the wife and her friend are having a visit in the kitchen.  The little one is sleeping and my daughter is headed the way of the sandman soon.  I am going to dig out my Beyond The Basics Final Cut book and learn a few more things.  

I suppose I should come up with a standard exit phrase....Guess I'll save that for another time...so for now...

   ;-)

PAK

The Paul Report - April 2, 2010

Greetings, 


I was hoping by starting up a blogger page my muse would instantly return from the exceedingly long vacation it has been on.  Today is April 2 and I haven't been able to form a creative thought for several months now.  Frankly I am fit to be tied.  I hate not being creative.  Creativity is like crack to me and it has alway been like that for the things that jazz me.  Several years ago I would sit for hours coding Active Server Pages (ASP) tying into databases, creating forms, collecting data and hours would fly by.  Before that it was doing prep work for a job as a radio personality.  It wasn't uncommon to see me huddle over a stack of newspapers and a computer looking for stuff to write jokes about.  If hours past and I was oblivious of the passage of time, I knew my muse was stroking my creative shaft and I loved it!!!

Lately it has been quite the opposite.  Yes life is very different now compared to back then.  Marriage, kids, job, unemployment, pending foreclosure.  The dark cloud has sent my muse into a hole so deep Satan himself was quoted as saying "Are you fucking kidding me... I ain't going down there!"

I miss my muse so much these days.  My personal life is in shambles.  My health is severely out of control.  My professional life is utter chaos without a college degree ( I am self educated and worked in my field of expertise for 20 years).  After I got laid off from my job I thought it would be a perfect time to pursue my dream job of Final Cut editing.  As fate would have it, a string of what I can only describe as a reign of unfortunate situations stopped me in my tracks.  Not only were my goals shut down but as a person I was closing up shop.  If it wasn't house related items needing repairs, marriage issues and lack of job it was car accidents, a swarm of locust & water turning to blood.  2009 was not a banner year and 2010 hasn't shown much promise either.

I feel my mind starting to drain of all original thought.  Gotta run, until next time.

PAK