There Are A Few Things I Have To Tell You 
(And this isn't going to be easy)

For several months now I have been walking around with this blog entry in my head.  Several times I have attempted to sit and write and every time I failed to type one single byte of information onto the screen.  Overall my creativity has been suffering.  I've been unable to write or edit video which both are activities I truly love to do and help keep me going.  I've haven't slept well lately.  The last few nights I haven't slept more than a few non consecutive hours.  I feel horrible and my brain is mushy. I believe this blog might help me relieve some of the pressure and restore a little balance.  If you have read any of my other blogs, you may find familiar themes here.  The lesson to myself is those who don't learn from their past..... maybe this time I'll learn so I won't have to keep repeating.

It's amazing when you look back on a life and you can pick out the highlights and the lowlights.  I knew I was in trouble when the highlights were the vast minority and lowlights were the norm.  From being shitty with finances, a procrastinator extraordinaire to epic fails at relationships and eventually marriage, to allowing my emotions to rule the roost, I have made a mess of my life.  The roller coaster analogy of building up to something getting to the top and then plummeting down only to build back up again to dive bomb yet again.  Throw in hard turns, dark tunnels, corkscrews and loops and you have a good representation of MYlife as I see it and more importantly, feel it.  

It's easy to blame others for your failures.  My father yelled at me, my mother said I wasn't smart enough, my brothers and sisters picked on relentlessly me until I cried. As we get older we start blaming our teachers for not giving us extra time, our counsellors for not giving us proper guidance.  Then to the workplace, my boss hates me, my coworkers get treated better than I do, why are my suggestions discounted and everyone else's taken as gospel, to the home life, my wife doesn't love me anymore, the kids are driving me crazy....STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

As I look back on the last few years of my life, I'm constantly choking on my own failures. Some of these episodes are instigated by those around me.  Some find they have to berate me for my station in life, others who expect me to live up to their personal standards, rules, regulations and unhealthy view of the world.  There are those who have been very generous with their time and financial resources.  Yet, no matter how many times you thank them, they have the expectation you owe them to do as they say, when they say without question.  Then, of course, there is the self inflicted force feeding on your own miserable bad press.  Force feeding all the negative feelings you have for yourself and ALLOWING the thoughts, feelings and unhealthy behaviors of others to get jammed down your throat as well you can't help to begin thinking, "would non existence be favorable than living the life you are always choking on.  Is it worth the fight?"  The questions start swirling... How do I stop choking?  How do I stop my bad life?  How do I find balance in life and turn this shitty existence around?  The answer was there all along and I only need look at the questions.  How do I???? 

I just do.

You know the moment you are looking for your keys.  You yell out to whoever is listening asking "Have you seen my keys?" but you never hear an answer.  When you finally find them you say to yourself.... I must have looked there 100 times and I never saw it and the voice from the other room says "I did say they were right there"  There is a lesson there.

My problems in life are mine and no one else's.  I must refuse myself entry to arguments others are inviting me to.  It's up to me to remind myself every single day I am good and worthy.  It's up to me and me alone to give my life validity and top stop force feeding myself all the unhealthy food, both real and figurative, so I may allow myself to live the life I want.  The funny thing is, I'm not the author of this method, its like the keys you were looking for...been there all along just couldn't see it.  Even when someone was telling you all along where the keys were, if you weren't in the right place, you didn't hear it.  

Another tributary of this river of opening up is the need to be honest and accountable about my health.  I was portraying the image I was doing ok.  I felt good most days and chalked up the bad days to getting older, working too much and stress of life.  I lost nearly 80 lbs and told people it was due to eating better and a little bit of exercise.  The truth was hard to admit to.   Several months ago I found out my diabetes was so out of control due to non compliance.  My A1c was so dangerously high I am embarrassed to release the number but in order to be accountable I'll tell you it was 14.2.  Those who know what that number means, I'm sorry I wasn't honest about it.   It has dropped a little since that time but I have a long way to go to get back to a stable number.  I am compliant with my meds and started being very serious about moving my body regularly and with obtainable goals.  This is a bell I can't unring.  Truth be told I glad it's out there because suffering in silence is exhausting and the damage to my soul and my physical body are scary.  

My actions, like everyone else's at many times of life have run the gamut of being awesome to irresponsible to downright despicable.  I am so self aware of each actions but more so the less than desirable ones I struggle with now.  These are the ones I need to make right.  I am working towards giving myself the mental fortitude to face those I have been avoiding for sometime now because of my fear and embarrassment.  If they are reading this, they know who they are.    

Life is not easy, anyone telling you something different is selling something.  I'm working towards being honest with myself and those around me.  I made this life I am living now.  Not my my parents, not my siblings, my ex, children, extended family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, relative strangers, total strangers, diabetes, psoriasis, protoplasm, whether Pluto is a moon or a planet.  Nobody put me where I am today beside me.  After an exhaustive search for the root of my issues it came back to the dude looking in the mirror.  I find a peace in that realization.  But the story doesn't end there.  There is so much work to do and the road is long.  I have issues and I find comfort knowing I am not alone with my issues...lots of people have the same issues I have.  We are all unique in many ways but when it comes to problems, issues and I am not unique in that way.  

In closing, As I continue my struggle with life and fixing my broken parts I admit to continue to struggle with being lonely as it relates to social life.  I long to have social interactions with friends, with a companion, partner in crime, someone to go out with, someone to come home to.  Having said that I know all too well that we attract where we are at so I'll cope with my loneliness and put my energies towards fixing me and my parts, the ladies will just have to wait!   

To quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles..." oh wait wrong quote....I meant to say, "It feels like Starting Over"*

To the future...

*(side note: It isn't lost on me the fact that shortly after John Lennon recorded this song he was murdered in front of his house but nonetheless I'm sticking with using that particular quote)

Your Suffering Is NOT Worse Than Mine...

Note: I thought I had a cohesive thought going here but after reading it I find myself sliding around a bit.  Sorry.

There was a great scene in Chasing Amy where Banky and Alyssa were comparing injuries received during the act of having sex with various partners.  While each one was trying to up the other they each got a sense that they both suffered.  Personally getting your knees skinned while being dragged by a car does seem to be worse than a deformed digit.  But I digress.

The world is full of beauty and wonder.  It's also filled with crazy people who would opt to end the lives of many others before turning their weapon of mass destruction on themselves instead of just offing themselves in a basement with a note to their family saying they were sorry.  I can't imagine the pain, sorrow and potential lifelong suffering the people of Newtown are currently and will experience in the wake of what happened there.  As a parent I suppose I could consider the unthinkable but who would purposely go there?  I did.  It was the worst feeling I haven't had to and hope I never have to feel, that of losing a child.  Just putting myself in the vicinity of those shoes and I nearly broke down crying.  And that was just a nanosecond of thought.  I don't want to imagine the horrors of reality for the people directly affected by recent events.  Personally I wish the ability to find some level of peace so their lives can go on.


In light of recent events there will most certainly be debate around guns and mental health in the coming months.  I hope a big push is made towards the mental health issues.  I'm certainly not a member of the NRA and I was willing to stand in line to pry the gun from Mr Heston's cold dead hands but I digress.  There is a real need for helping those with mental health issues.  Regrettably some can't be helped but I have hope many can be if more programs were made available and funded properly.

* * *


It is my belief suffering shouldn't be measured by consensus.  Everyone has a level of suffering in their own lives.  A rich man can suffer when his Jaguar is totaled by his spoiled son.  An office worker can suffer when their computer crashes as they are finishing up their work.  A drug addicted homeless person can suffer when he can't bum enough money for his next fix.  My point is we all suffer and there isn't a committee that says one persons suffering is worse than another.  Having said that, society will pass judgement of the suffering of others.  "That rich guy can afford to by a new Jag." "You should have saved your work before the system crashed." "Get a job you homeless bum!"  It all perception.  Suffering is suffering.

My life has seen suffering the last few years.  Losing my job, not getting a new job for a myriad of reasons, marriage going to shit, losing a house, evicted from an apartment, moving in with my mother and the ups and downs of that, dealing with a new job, new schedule, new responsibilities, trying to be a good dad, fighting for my self dignity, trying to move beyond the past version of myself but having some people attempt to drag me back into that hell because of shit from their past, not mine.  It's my version of suffering and I am working towards a better day when my past can stay there, today is where I am living and tomorrow is part of a goal.  I am not a victim of bad parents, poor economy, failed marriage or lack of schooling.  These are products of the choices I have made in my life... I don't blame hold anyone accountable besides myself for my choices and subsequent actions.  That was a hard lesson to learn but I am thankful I did because it has made all the difference in the world.

More changes are headed my way.  While these changes are happening much sooner than I expected I have to be true to my goals of minimizing my suffering, maximize my enjoyment of life, lead by example for my kids and remember that we are creators of our future and our choices are ours to make.

Peace,

Paul

 

When A Bandage and a Kiss Isn't Enough Anymore

"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
"God only gives you what you can handle."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

The above statements have some validity. But what happens when you ARE given more than you can handle..."

Today is May 9, 2012 and I have, for the moment, conceded that my life has disintegrated to a string of events to where you can picture an image of me laying on a bed of nails where some offscreen neanderthal has a boot pushing down on my throat.

In the past 3.5 years I went from being gainfully employed, semi-happily married with a daughter and another child on the way. Life wasn't perfect, it definitely needed some work (marriage, health, finances) but it was manageable. Then came the layoff, marital issues, job search futility, more marriage issues, more money problems, 100's of resumes but not one interview, more marital problems, foreclosure, more marital issues, marital separation, so forth and so on. So now here I am 3.5 years later, financially hundreds of percentage point below poverty level, getting divorced from my wife, facing eviction from my apartment and not a fucking job opportunity in sight. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Or maybe it was? Somebody has to be at the bottom on the pile.  At this point, I'm not sure anymore. It's like I rode of wave of luck for so long that I didn't see that my luck was running out. Now it seems my luck has gone to the dark side. Seems the adage of "what can go wrong, will go wrong" has been the best descriptor of my life.

Before I go any further, I will add this in now because I know what you, the reader who knows me, are thinking. "You have those two beautiful children and you should want to live for them...etc etc etc." Yes, I do have two beautiful children and they are two of the most important people in my life, my heart and soul most days. And yes I want to live a long, happy life, watch my kids grow and impart as much knowledge on them as I can. Having said that, those two beautiful children will not guarantee me anything other than the knowledge that two humans on this earth love me unconditionally and I them at this stage of my life. What I am talking about here is the tsunami of shit that has covered every OTHER aspect of my life. Employment, personal relationships, love, self esteem, self worth are all at near zero. So while I am an excellent father to my two children in the ways of love, caring, and guidance I am currently throwing up very low numbers on the being able to financially provide for them. Moving on.

What happens when life stops making sense? What does a generally rational person do when they have been beaten down so much? Turn to a support system for help. What if that person has a skeleton crew of a support system? What if that support system only focuses on the problems and not the person having the problems? Instead of "How are you REALLY doing today? The question is almost always, "What are you doing about your situation today? When are you going do this, that the other thing?"
Imagine you fall overboard from a boat. The people in the boat say "Keep swimming towards the boat, you can do it." And you try to swim back but something gets in your way. It gets more and more difficult the longer you are are in the water. You get really tired and realize you are not going to make it back on your own. You scream "throw me the floatation ring that is right next to you." They scream back "You're strong enough, keep swimming!" This goes back and forth until one of two things happen. One, you make it back to the boat, the other is you drown. If you make it back to the boat, you are barely alive. But you are also exhausted, unable to breathe, aches, pains, damage to your body, your mind etc. Sure you made it back to the boat, hopefully in one piece.  Physical pain will heal but mentally you are fucked.

In times of normal stress, being able to get yourself out of a situation on your own is a character building event and can serve you later as an example of how to get out of another difficult situation. But what if while you are in the water trying to swim back and you get caught in choppy waters, bad weather, sharks, and any of the myriad of challenges which can arise. This is the exact situation I find myself in. I am drowning and I am screaming for help yet all I get back is "You are strong, you have those beautiful kids, you should do this, you should do that." But what if you are too tired to do anything more? What happens when that "one more thing" gets piled on top of your already overflowing pile...the proverbial 'wafer thin mint'... I'll tell you what happens...BOOM!

I am unable to take anything more on. In the latest in a string of difficult things piled on my plate... In less then 30 days my landlord intends to evict me and I don't have the will to fight anymore. I've been fighting for 3.5 years for and with everything on every level imaginable. I have no fight left in me. If I were being wheeled into the ER bleeding uncontrollably, I would expect they would do whatever it takes to stop the bleeding, not just wrap a bandage around it to stop the blood from pooling on the floor for the moment. I need to stop the bleeding, heal and move on.

I am now speaking to that one person who can help me out of the water and into the boat: Throw the life ring/stop me from bleeding out. Choose whichever metaphor works for you. Sure you'll have to put yourself in the middle of things. YES you may have to be inconvenienced for a time but what is the alternative... Watching me drown? You'll be helping me and my kids. You will provide a temporary harbor from the tempest. A place where I can rebuild without the heavy stresses of my extremely difficult day to day life I currently endure. The normal day to day stresses will be manageable. I'll have a safe haven from the boot currently on my throat. What's stopping you? It's time to step up. You have the means and the resources. It's time to act beyond what you want to do and do what you need to do to the well being and life of one of your own. I understand your normal routine may be disrupted for a little while, things may have to be pushed back for a few to several months and for that I am sorry but if that is the worst thing to happen to you right now then I'd say you are pretty fortunate. Bottom line is I need your help now.

Will you help me now?

Untitled because I am suffering from writers block

This is going to be one of my blogs where I just type and type and I really don't have any idea what I am going to say or where I am going with anything.  The phrase is "stream of conscience" writing.  The reason for the switch from subject based writing to a free for all is because I am suffering from a severe fucking case of writers block.  I wrote a blog for SAHMMY.COM's Thanksgiving edition.  However if you go to the site you won't see it there because I trashed the bitch because I was droning on and on and not saying a god damn thing.  I read it back to myself and I swear I wanted The Terminator to burst through my door and say "Sarah Conner" for which I would reply, "Yes!!! Goddammit it's me....shoot me...shoot me now!!!!"


Life lately has been a series of challenges.  I'm about to hit my 2 year anniversary of unemployment.  I've lost my house, my credit rating, my version of man's best friend Jordan, my dignity and my ability to be hired in the field I spent the last 20 years in.  I've applied for jobs in retail but due to constraints on the hours I can work (mostly days) I am not getting the call backs.  Currently my title is work/stay at home dad to my kids which I am grateful for the chance to be able to do.  Having said that my kids are getting older and are testing limits so I have to dole out a little bit o' punishment, which makes me the de facto bad guy much of the time.  My daughter sings the "I Miss Mommy When She Goes To Work" song each and everyday and on cue she ends up crying harder than Michael Jackson on "She's Out Of My Life".  I deal with this almost every day.  And I get she misses her mother when she goes to work, but for the love of all that is good and holy how about being thankful you're not being raised by some relative stranger who has several kids to watch over and can't give you the one on one attention you so desire.  How about giving dad some props for taking you to the mall and getting you on the bus ride or serves you up the treat of pretzels or ice cream.  How about the dad who picks you up when you are to tired to walk despite the fact he is pushing your sibling in the carriage.  How about going to the park or for a walk or playdates. I know parenting is a thankless job and I don't do anything with the expectation of being patted on the back.  Having said that I hope in the years to come my kids will look back and say, "I was so lucky to have my dad home with me when I was younger...he is the best daddy evah!!!!


As I mentioned before I had to put down my dog Jordan.  It was decided this would be done before we left our foreclosed home and moved into the apartment.  His condition was worsening and I couldn't put it off any longer.  So after a trip to McDonalds for his last meal of a double cheeseburger and fries, he was brought to the vet where my wife and I said our goodbyes to Jordan and watched him fall asleep for the last time.  I should mention its getting harder to type this because my eyes are welling up.  That dog was a pain in the ass.  He whined alot, had vile breath and always needed to go out just as I would sit down to watch a movie.  But he was also a great companion many nights after everyone had gone to bed and I was working in my office.  He would lay at my feet and I would pet him with my toes. He was addicted to the laser light and would often be looking for it hours after I put it away.  He would always conform his little body to mine after I would fall asleep at night and very often I wouldn't know he was there until I woke up in the morning.  He loved going to doggie daycare and was very popular there.  I remember picking him up after his first day.  He was so exhausted her slept on the ride home and I was forced to carry him inside the apartment.  I placed him on the couch and he did not move until the next morning.  He was a good dog and I miss him everyday.


Jordan was with us for a few years when we got him a playmate in September of 2001.  Her name was Zoe.  Zoe was for all intents and purposes Jordan's sidekick.  Where Jordan would calculate his paw pressure on the pavement to maximize proper posture and minimize wear and tear on the pads, Zoe usually had a look like she was thinking "Left foot, right foot, left foot right foot."  In other words, she wasn't very bright.  But what she lacked in intelligence she more than made up in sweetness.  She was a lovable oaf.  She would occasionally give some trouble but overall she just followed Jordan around.  When Jordan didn't come home from the vet that day, Zoe noticed immediately.  Zoe's health started deteriorating shortly thereafter.  We decided we would bring Zoe to the new apartment with us.  She adjusted ok but the excessive stair climbing and lack of a place to run took it's toll and Zoe's health started to fade.  We sent Zoe to be with her brother Jordan last weekend.  I remember seeing my wife drive away with Zoe in the car and I started sobbing like a little girl with a skinned knee.  I knew we were doing the right thing because we didn't want her suffer anymore but she was just so sweet I saw her face and it was if she was saying "Oh boy a car ride...it's been a while."  I wanted to be with her in her final moments but I had a previous commitment I couldn't get out of.  To me Zoe was always like Fredo Corleone.  Not to smart, very sweet and I hated that she didn't have her entire family around her in her last moments with us.  My wife was there with her and I have to believe Zoe was ok with that because otherwise I would be filled with such sadness.  Sleep well Zoe.  I hope you and Jordan are running around the backyard again.





Ok I am going to send this up.  Thanks for bearing with me during my time of utter writing uselessness.  I hope I have better things to write about the next time I put fingers to keyboard.


Best wishes,


PAK


PLUG:  Check out the funniest blog for parents and other humans @ www.sahmmy.com

...And Then, 12 years, 7 months & 25 days Later

On January 24, 1998 I went to see "Good Will Hunting" in a Metro West movie theater.  I was feeling frustrated, angry, scared, emotionallty and physically alone.  The reason I remember the date: Super Bowl XXXII was the next day.  A few hours after getting out of the movie, I would abandon all reasoning, become unhinged emotionally and uttered hurtful words which changed the course of several lives, including my own.  It became the day I would beat myself up over realizing of how stupid and hurtful a person I could be at times.  "Good Will Hunting" had since been the token reminder of that night and what happened, and for that, I refused to watch it again.  


Upon reflection it's probably why I would bash Matt Damon every chance I got...but that isn't important right now.

Over the years, despite being forgiven by those involved,  I had tried to forgive myself but to no avail.  The mere mention of "Good Will Hunting" would start me headed down the path of self loathing and the uncontrollable need to feel like a jerk all over again.

Then tonight Sept 17, 2010, 12 years, 7 months and 25 days later or:

• 4620 days
• 399,168,000 seconds
• 6,652,800 minutes
• 110,880 hours
• 660 weeks

While trolling the Netflix Instant Watch selections I came across "Good Will Hunting" and for the first time since that cold, snow dusted night I watched it.  I watched it alone again, and I didn't obsess over that night.  I didn't relive my actions moment by moment.  I didn't remember how I felt in the moments after I let loose a tirade of epic hurtful proportions, I didn't feel my shame, my disgust, my self loathing the morning after.   I didn't see the teary face of one I hurt trying to apologize that morning.  I didn't sit wishing ad nauseam "If only I could go back and change it".  I simply sat and watched what I now know as a pretty good, well written, well acted, well directed movie.  I have finally forgiven myself once and for all.  What's done is done.  Life moves forward.  Leaving the past in the past, next stop: The future.

After all this time I am able to say I accept my actions from that night and can finally tell myself what I needed to hear.  


Paul, I forgive you.   


If there is something YOU are holding inside and aren't able to forgive yourself even though all others have, I hope one day you find the strength to really forgive yourself because I gotta tell you, despite feeling the weight of my world on these shoulders lately, at this moment, it feels much lighter.


As for Matt Damon....eh not worth the effort... ;-)


P

  

What goes around, comes around you Goony Goo Goo Bitch

I thought it would be fun for my 21 month old son and I to take a trip to Boston and stroll around the Public Gardens.  It's was beautiful, breezy day just ripe for walking, laughing and people watching.  I circle around the Gardens a few times looking for a parking space.  As luck would have it I passed one and stopped about 1 1/2 car lengths away.  I start to back up and another car starts to pull into the spot.  Normally if this happened in any smaller, non-metropolis locale, I would be inclined to start looking for another spot.  But this isn't a small metropolis where on-street parking is aplenty.  So I back up as far as I could and I get out of my car.  I ask the person to not take the spot because I was backing up into it.  The driver ignored my plea.  I approached the driver side door and asked again, perhaps little louder and maybe a few colorful metaphors sprinkled in.  Again I was ignored.  My level of frustration and anger was perdy close to "Glenn Close - Fatal Attraction - I Wont Be Ignored" levels.  Finally the driver rolls down his window and starts explaining to me I had pulled up too far and he was entitled to the spot.  I explained to him he was entitled to nothing and should do the right thing and move his car immediately.  He did not heed my advice and parked his car.  I again used some colorful language and my last words to him were "You reap what you sow, mother f'er".  I walked back to my car and began looking for another spot.  

As luck would have it a spot looked to be opening up not far from the last spot.  I politely asked the person if they were leaving and they responded in the affirmative.  They left and I parked.  As I was getting out of my car, the man and his (barely) female companion were approaching.  The female? said in a sarcastic tone,  "Oh I see you got a spot".  I responded with, "I had a spot back there but some ignorant asshole took it so just keep walking."  She volleyed back with, "You are not a nice person" with my response just acknowledging her, "Yep I'm not a nice person, YOU are a saint." I repeated to both of them, "Reap what you sow".  They walked away and I gathered up my son, his carriage and went on my way.  

As I walked towards the Gardens, I realized I was walking past their car.  I just happened to noticed the meter showed 00:00.  In other words, they didn't feed the meter.  Probably another entitlement of theirs.  As I walked away I made a wish and just let it be.

JD and I really enjoyed our time in the Public Gardens.  We saw several wedding parties doing pictures, joggers, people with puppies, ducks, swan boats, the statue of Washington on a horse (which JD loved).  We stopped to listen to a man breathe into a saxaphone...(and thru the walls you hear the city groan.  Outside it's America...sorry couldn't help myself)...where was I????  Oh yeah the Public Gardens.... Just a beautiful day for JD and I.  Lots of good Father / Son bonding.  After an hour we made our way back to the car.  As we passed the vehicle owned by the ignoramus and his Goony Goo Goo Aunt Bunny female companion I saw, to my glee, the glow of an orange rectangle gracing their windshield.  A smile wider than the Goony Goo Goo Aunt Bunny's ass appeared  and I thought to myself, "vengeance is mine!" (insert sinister laugh here)  I looked at my son and said one word, "Karma".  He looked back at me and said, "pee pee!"

As I was getting the van packed someone was waiting for my spot.  As I was putting JD in his seat another car pulled up and asked if I was leaving.  I explained to him someone else was already waiting for the spot pointing to the other car.  He cheerfully accepted it and moved on.  The gents in the car waiting gave me the thank you sign and I acknowledge it.  As I was moving towards my own door I noticed there was still an hour left on my meter.  I dropped in two more quarters and told the guys the meter was on me.  

JD and I left Boston feeling good knowing that good triumphed over evil today.  The down side is, I think I may have an anger management issue.... eh, f that and f you if you think that too!!!!! ;-)

PAK

Detoxing Myself...Again

I'm living my life addicted a drug.  My drug of choice is food, crappy food to be more precise.  Sitting on the couch or at the computer eating the crappy food.  Not getting enough sleep because I am on the couch or at the computer eating crappy food.  Not getting enough exercise because....well by now I hope you get the picture because I sure as hell do.  There is a word for people like me..."overweight, crappy food eater who spends more time watching TV and putting crappy food into his mouth than doing something good for his body."  Oh wait...that was more than a word....well fuck it...it's accurate.  Moving on.


If history has taught me anything it's that when it comes to taking care of me and my body I very rarely see anything to the very end.  I'm good for a little while and then magically (by magically I mean some fucked up reason that shouldn't have so much power) I just stop.  Could be stubbed toe, too many rainy days in a row, Mars in retrograde or someone killed a butterfly on the other side of the world and a tsunami happened in my life.  I have been unable to stay on the path to a healthier me for more than a few months at a time.  A few examples:


Few years ago I had an A1C of 11.1 which any diabetic or diabetes familiar will tell you is CRRRRRRAZY high for an diabetic.  I started taking care of myself. From February until June I was effective with my eating, exercising and medication.  In June my A1C was 6.6, which those same people would tell you is perdy f'n good.  Then I just stopped doing what I was doing.  Within 3 months my A1C was back up into the 9's


Last year I started running. I started in July by walking and eventually I was able to run a 5K without stopping (actually my personal best was 4.37 miles without stopping).  I ran in 4 races in that time and while I was not in competition I still felt like a few million pounds (£) (it's worth more than the American dollar).  I ran a race in October.  A few days later, without any pre-thought I stopped doing it. 


Those are just a few of the recent ones.  I can go back 15-20 years where I was taking care of my self and then POW BANG BOOM......nuthin.  


My therapist and I had been working on it because therapy is good for a person.  But guess what... I stopped going to therapy too.  C'mon you saw that coming, didn't you?


So what am I going to do?  I'm not getting any healthier putting shitty food in my body and not working out or running or any kind of aerobic exercise.  My wife and I were sitting on the floor today playing with JD and she looked at my feet and said, "Your feet look dead!"  Personally they are very white but I have full feeling in both feet and my doctor looked at them a few weeks back and didn't have too much concern but the point is.... my feet look dead.  Still the question is on the table...What am I going to do?  But is that really the right question to be asking?


I feel I have demonstrated having the knowledge of what to do and how to do it.  The real question is, HOW DO I KEEP MYSELF DOING IT BEYOND A FEW MONTHS?  This is my quest.  Arthur had the Holy Grail.  Vladimir and Estragon had Godot and the people who saw Gigli in the movie theater are looking for their refund.  I am looking for my way to stick with it.  Until I find it I'll just keep trying and minimize the abuse time in between.    


My Plan:  The last week or so has been brutal and I need to stop abusing my body via food now.  I started a detox of my system tonight.  Nothing chemical just keeping my diet healthy, drinking plenty of water, increasing my exercise from 0 to 60 minutes a day and getting more sleep.  Oh yeah and I am going back into therapy.


Wish me luck and I welcome any comment or suggestions.  


Still thinking of a tagline!


PAK 


PS: the photo above was not staged.  I made Sara some alphabet pasta.  After she said she was done, I took her bowl and when I looked inside those were the letters left, I just arranged them to be closer to one another.