...And Then, 12 years, 7 months & 25 days Later

On January 24, 1998 I went to see "Good Will Hunting" in a Metro West movie theater.  I was feeling frustrated, angry, scared, emotionallty and physically alone.  The reason I remember the date: Super Bowl XXXII was the next day.  A few hours after getting out of the movie, I would abandon all reasoning, become unhinged emotionally and uttered hurtful words which changed the course of several lives, including my own.  It became the day I would beat myself up over realizing of how stupid and hurtful a person I could be at times.  "Good Will Hunting" had since been the token reminder of that night and what happened, and for that, I refused to watch it again.  


Upon reflection it's probably why I would bash Matt Damon every chance I got...but that isn't important right now.

Over the years, despite being forgiven by those involved,  I had tried to forgive myself but to no avail.  The mere mention of "Good Will Hunting" would start me headed down the path of self loathing and the uncontrollable need to feel like a jerk all over again.

Then tonight Sept 17, 2010, 12 years, 7 months and 25 days later or:

• 4620 days
• 399,168,000 seconds
• 6,652,800 minutes
• 110,880 hours
• 660 weeks

While trolling the Netflix Instant Watch selections I came across "Good Will Hunting" and for the first time since that cold, snow dusted night I watched it.  I watched it alone again, and I didn't obsess over that night.  I didn't relive my actions moment by moment.  I didn't remember how I felt in the moments after I let loose a tirade of epic hurtful proportions, I didn't feel my shame, my disgust, my self loathing the morning after.   I didn't see the teary face of one I hurt trying to apologize that morning.  I didn't sit wishing ad nauseam "If only I could go back and change it".  I simply sat and watched what I now know as a pretty good, well written, well acted, well directed movie.  I have finally forgiven myself once and for all.  What's done is done.  Life moves forward.  Leaving the past in the past, next stop: The future.

After all this time I am able to say I accept my actions from that night and can finally tell myself what I needed to hear.  


Paul, I forgive you.   


If there is something YOU are holding inside and aren't able to forgive yourself even though all others have, I hope one day you find the strength to really forgive yourself because I gotta tell you, despite feeling the weight of my world on these shoulders lately, at this moment, it feels much lighter.


As for Matt Damon....eh not worth the effort... ;-)


P