"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
"God only gives you what you can handle."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"
The above statements have some validity. But what happens when you ARE given more than you can handle..."
Today is May 9, 2012 and I have, for the moment, conceded that my life has disintegrated to a string of events to where you can picture an image of me laying on a bed of nails where some offscreen neanderthal has a boot pushing down on my throat.
In the past 3.5 years I went from being gainfully employed, semi-happily married with a daughter and another child on the way. Life wasn't perfect, it definitely needed some work (marriage, health, finances) but it was manageable. Then came the layoff, marital issues, job search futility, more marriage issues, more money problems, 100's of resumes but not one interview, more marital problems, foreclosure, more marital issues, marital separation, so forth and so on. So now here I am 3.5 years later, financially hundreds of percentage point below poverty level, getting divorced from my wife, facing eviction from my apartment and not a fucking job opportunity in sight. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Or maybe it was? Somebody has to be at the bottom on the pile. At this point, I'm not sure anymore. It's like I rode of wave of luck for so long that I didn't see that my luck was running out. Now it seems my luck has gone to the dark side. Seems the adage of "what can go wrong, will go wrong" has been the best descriptor of my life.
Before I go any further, I will add this in now because I know what you, the reader who knows me, are thinking. "You have those two beautiful children and you should want to live for them...etc etc etc." Yes, I do have two beautiful children and they are two of the most important people in my life, my heart and soul most days. And yes I want to live a long, happy life, watch my kids grow and impart as much knowledge on them as I can. Having said that, those two beautiful children will not guarantee me anything other than the knowledge that two humans on this earth love me unconditionally and I them at this stage of my life. What I am talking about here is the tsunami of shit that has covered every OTHER aspect of my life. Employment, personal relationships, love, self esteem, self worth are all at near zero. So while I am an excellent father to my two children in the ways of love, caring, and guidance I am currently throwing up very low numbers on the being able to financially provide for them. Moving on.
What happens when life stops making sense? What does a generally rational person do when they have been beaten down so much? Turn to a support system for help. What if that person has a skeleton crew of a support system? What if that support system only focuses on the problems and not the person having the problems? Instead of "How are you REALLY doing today? The question is almost always, "What are you doing about your situation today? When are you going do this, that the other thing?"
Imagine you fall overboard from a boat. The people in the boat say "Keep swimming towards the boat, you can do it." And you try to swim back but something gets in your way. It gets more and more difficult the longer you are are in the water. You get really tired and realize you are not going to make it back on your own. You scream "throw me the floatation ring that is right next to you." They scream back "You're strong enough, keep swimming!" This goes back and forth until one of two things happen. One, you make it back to the boat, the other is you drown. If you make it back to the boat, you are barely alive. But you are also exhausted, unable to breathe, aches, pains, damage to your body, your mind etc. Sure you made it back to the boat, hopefully in one piece. Physical pain will heal but mentally you are fucked.
In times of normal stress, being able to get yourself out of a situation on your own is a character building event and can serve you later as an example of how to get out of another difficult situation. But what if while you are in the water trying to swim back and you get caught in choppy waters, bad weather, sharks, and any of the myriad of challenges which can arise. This is the exact situation I find myself in. I am drowning and I am screaming for help yet all I get back is "You are strong, you have those beautiful kids, you should do this, you should do that." But what if you are too tired to do anything more? What happens when that "one more thing" gets piled on top of your already overflowing pile...the proverbial 'wafer thin mint'... I'll tell you what happens...BOOM!
I am unable to take anything more on. In the latest in a string of difficult things piled on my plate... In less then 30 days my landlord intends to evict me and I don't have the will to fight anymore. I've been fighting for 3.5 years for and with everything on every level imaginable. I have no fight left in me. If I were being wheeled into the ER bleeding uncontrollably, I would expect they would do whatever it takes to stop the bleeding, not just wrap a bandage around it to stop the blood from pooling on the floor for the moment. I need to stop the bleeding, heal and move on.
I am now speaking to that one person who can help me out of the water and into the boat: Throw the life ring/stop me from bleeding out. Choose whichever metaphor works for you. Sure you'll have to put yourself in the middle of things. YES you may have to be inconvenienced for a time but what is the alternative... Watching me drown? You'll be helping me and my kids. You will provide a temporary harbor from the tempest. A place where I can rebuild without the heavy stresses of my extremely difficult day to day life I currently endure. The normal day to day stresses will be manageable. I'll have a safe haven from the boot currently on my throat. What's stopping you? It's time to step up. You have the means and the resources. It's time to act beyond what you want to do and do what you need to do to the well being and life of one of your own. I understand your normal routine may be disrupted for a little while, things may have to be pushed back for a few to several months and for that I am sorry but if that is the worst thing to happen to you right now then I'd say you are pretty fortunate. Bottom line is I need your help now.
Will you help me now?
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So, I typed in this long response and then tried to use OpenID to “sign” it and it had an error and when I went back the long response was gone gone gone. My bad because OpenID ALWAYS gives me trouble yet I keep trying to use it.
ReplyDeleteSo, done with THAT. This will be a shorter response. Suffice it to say that I don’t have a couch close enough to you to let you sleep on. Unless you want to move 1500 miles away and then I first need to talk to my husband and I’m already working hard to get him more gainfully employed than he currently is so whether that would be a good idea or not is up for grabs.
Paul, I’m not going to pretend that I know your whole situation. I don’t know the job market in Mass. or what you’ve tried or not tried. I do agree that yes, having 2 beautiful children, while a wonderful blessing does not equate to a full, fulfilling, and gainful life. Really, they are mutually exclusive. And that times are tough. But my original message wondered whether you need to examine what kind of job you are looking for, where you want to go, who you want to be, etc. I can’t answer any of those questions for you. I am sure you’ve hashed out a lot of those questions.
I can tell you that there’s usually an answer that you either can’t see because you are focused on THIS ONE THING or THAT OTHER THING or because you don’t want to see the answer because it somehow falls outside of where you think it should.
I will think positive thoughts for you. Say prayers. Hope that you do get a lifeline in the form of a couch or a guest room or what have you. And really really hope that you find “it,” whatever “it” is and that it’s fulfilling – financially and personally – and that life gets you back into its track. I’m terrible with phone calls, but I’m always willing to “listen” or share via email or DM.
dee