Your Suffering Is NOT Worse Than Mine...

Note: I thought I had a cohesive thought going here but after reading it I find myself sliding around a bit.  Sorry.

There was a great scene in Chasing Amy where Banky and Alyssa were comparing injuries received during the act of having sex with various partners.  While each one was trying to up the other they each got a sense that they both suffered.  Personally getting your knees skinned while being dragged by a car does seem to be worse than a deformed digit.  But I digress.

The world is full of beauty and wonder.  It's also filled with crazy people who would opt to end the lives of many others before turning their weapon of mass destruction on themselves instead of just offing themselves in a basement with a note to their family saying they were sorry.  I can't imagine the pain, sorrow and potential lifelong suffering the people of Newtown are currently and will experience in the wake of what happened there.  As a parent I suppose I could consider the unthinkable but who would purposely go there?  I did.  It was the worst feeling I haven't had to and hope I never have to feel, that of losing a child.  Just putting myself in the vicinity of those shoes and I nearly broke down crying.  And that was just a nanosecond of thought.  I don't want to imagine the horrors of reality for the people directly affected by recent events.  Personally I wish the ability to find some level of peace so their lives can go on.


In light of recent events there will most certainly be debate around guns and mental health in the coming months.  I hope a big push is made towards the mental health issues.  I'm certainly not a member of the NRA and I was willing to stand in line to pry the gun from Mr Heston's cold dead hands but I digress.  There is a real need for helping those with mental health issues.  Regrettably some can't be helped but I have hope many can be if more programs were made available and funded properly.

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It is my belief suffering shouldn't be measured by consensus.  Everyone has a level of suffering in their own lives.  A rich man can suffer when his Jaguar is totaled by his spoiled son.  An office worker can suffer when their computer crashes as they are finishing up their work.  A drug addicted homeless person can suffer when he can't bum enough money for his next fix.  My point is we all suffer and there isn't a committee that says one persons suffering is worse than another.  Having said that, society will pass judgement of the suffering of others.  "That rich guy can afford to by a new Jag." "You should have saved your work before the system crashed." "Get a job you homeless bum!"  It all perception.  Suffering is suffering.

My life has seen suffering the last few years.  Losing my job, not getting a new job for a myriad of reasons, marriage going to shit, losing a house, evicted from an apartment, moving in with my mother and the ups and downs of that, dealing with a new job, new schedule, new responsibilities, trying to be a good dad, fighting for my self dignity, trying to move beyond the past version of myself but having some people attempt to drag me back into that hell because of shit from their past, not mine.  It's my version of suffering and I am working towards a better day when my past can stay there, today is where I am living and tomorrow is part of a goal.  I am not a victim of bad parents, poor economy, failed marriage or lack of schooling.  These are products of the choices I have made in my life... I don't blame hold anyone accountable besides myself for my choices and subsequent actions.  That was a hard lesson to learn but I am thankful I did because it has made all the difference in the world.

More changes are headed my way.  While these changes are happening much sooner than I expected I have to be true to my goals of minimizing my suffering, maximize my enjoyment of life, lead by example for my kids and remember that we are creators of our future and our choices are ours to make.

Peace,

Paul