The Paul Report

There Are A Few Things I Have To Tell You 
(And this isn't going to be easy)

For several months now I have been walking around with this blog entry in my head.  Several times I have attempted to sit and write and every time I failed to type one single byte of information onto the screen.  Overall my creativity has been suffering.  I've been unable to write or edit video which both are activities I truly love to do and help keep me going.  I've haven't slept well lately.  The last few nights I haven't slept more than a few non consecutive hours.  I feel horrible and my brain is mushy. I believe this blog might help me relieve some of the pressure and restore a little balance.  If you have read any of my other blogs, you may find familiar themes here.  The lesson to myself is those who don't learn from their past..... maybe this time I'll learn so I won't have to keep repeating.

It's amazing when you look back on a life and you can pick out the highlights and the lowlights.  I knew I was in trouble when the highlights were the vast minority and lowlights were the norm.  From being shitty with finances, a procrastinator extraordinaire to epic fails at relationships and eventually marriage, to allowing my emotions to rule the roost, I have made a mess of my life.  The roller coaster analogy of building up to something getting to the top and then plummeting down only to build back up again to dive bomb yet again.  Throw in hard turns, dark tunnels, corkscrews and loops and you have a good representation of MYlife as I see it and more importantly, feel it.  

It's easy to blame others for your failures.  My father yelled at me, my mother said I wasn't smart enough, my brothers and sisters picked on relentlessly me until I cried. As we get older we start blaming our teachers for not giving us extra time, our counsellors for not giving us proper guidance.  Then to the workplace, my boss hates me, my coworkers get treated better than I do, why are my suggestions discounted and everyone else's taken as gospel, to the home life, my wife doesn't love me anymore, the kids are driving me crazy....STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

As I look back on the last few years of my life, I'm constantly choking on my own failures. Some of these episodes are instigated by those around me.  Some find they have to berate me for my station in life, others who expect me to live up to their personal standards, rules, regulations and unhealthy view of the world.  There are those who have been very generous with their time and financial resources.  Yet, no matter how many times you thank them, they have the expectation you owe them to do as they say, when they say without question.  Then, of course, there is the self inflicted force feeding on your own miserable bad press.  Force feeding all the negative feelings you have for yourself and ALLOWING the thoughts, feelings and unhealthy behaviors of others to get jammed down your throat as well you can't help to begin thinking, "would non existence be favorable than living the life you are always choking on.  Is it worth the fight?"  The questions start swirling... How do I stop choking?  How do I stop my bad life?  How do I find balance in life and turn this shitty existence around?  The answer was there all along and I only need look at the questions.  How do I???? 

I just do.

You know the moment you are looking for your keys.  You yell out to whoever is listening asking "Have you seen my keys?" but you never hear an answer.  When you finally find them you say to yourself.... I must have looked there 100 times and I never saw it and the voice from the other room says "I did say they were right there"  There is a lesson there.

My problems in life are mine and no one else's.  I must refuse myself entry to arguments others are inviting me to.  It's up to me to remind myself every single day I am good and worthy.  It's up to me and me alone to give my life validity and top stop force feeding myself all the unhealthy food, both real and figurative, so I may allow myself to live the life I want.  The funny thing is, I'm not the author of this method, its like the keys you were looking for...been there all along just couldn't see it.  Even when someone was telling you all along where the keys were, if you weren't in the right place, you didn't hear it.  

Another tributary of this river of opening up is the need to be honest and accountable about my health.  I was portraying the image I was doing ok.  I felt good most days and chalked up the bad days to getting older, working too much and stress of life.  I lost nearly 80 lbs and told people it was due to eating better and a little bit of exercise.  The truth was hard to admit to.   Several months ago I found out my diabetes was so out of control due to non compliance.  My A1c was so dangerously high I am embarrassed to release the number but in order to be accountable I'll tell you it was 14.2.  Those who know what that number means, I'm sorry I wasn't honest about it.   It has dropped a little since that time but I have a long way to go to get back to a stable number.  I am compliant with my meds and started being very serious about moving my body regularly and with obtainable goals.  This is a bell I can't unring.  Truth be told I glad it's out there because suffering in silence is exhausting and the damage to my soul and my physical body are scary.  

My actions, like everyone else's at many times of life have run the gamut of being awesome to irresponsible to downright despicable.  I am so self aware of each actions but more so the less than desirable ones I struggle with now.  These are the ones I need to make right.  I am working towards giving myself the mental fortitude to face those I have been avoiding for sometime now because of my fear and embarrassment.  If they are reading this, they know who they are.    

Life is not easy, anyone telling you something different is selling something.  I'm working towards being honest with myself and those around me.  I made this life I am living now.  Not my my parents, not my siblings, my ex, children, extended family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, relative strangers, total strangers, diabetes, psoriasis, protoplasm, whether Pluto is a moon or a planet.  Nobody put me where I am today beside me.  After an exhaustive search for the root of my issues it came back to the dude looking in the mirror.  I find a peace in that realization.  But the story doesn't end there.  There is so much work to do and the road is long.  I have issues and I find comfort knowing I am not alone with my issues...lots of people have the same issues I have.  We are all unique in many ways but when it comes to problems, issues and I am not unique in that way.  

In closing, As I continue my struggle with life and fixing my broken parts I admit to continue to struggle with being lonely as it relates to social life.  I long to have social interactions with friends, with a companion, partner in crime, someone to go out with, someone to come home to.  Having said that I know all too well that we attract where we are at so I'll cope with my loneliness and put my energies towards fixing me and my parts, the ladies will just have to wait!   

To quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles..." oh wait wrong quote....I meant to say, "It feels like Starting Over"*

To the future...

*(side note: It isn't lost on me the fact that shortly after John Lennon recorded this song he was murdered in front of his house but nonetheless I'm sticking with using that particular quote)