Handling The Seasons Of My Life

Cause even though when times got rough
You never turned away
You were right there
And I thank you - Thank You, Boyz II Men

First things first: THANK YOU!!!  Thank you to everyone who had a kind word for me at some point over the last month as I was whining and bellyaching over a break up.  Thank you for words of encouragement, quotes, memes, private messages, public messages, hugs both real and with {{{Paul}}}.  Thank you for listening.  Each and every one of you helped me arrive at this moment.

And now... I am done.  I found MY peace.   

No longer will I beat myself up for my actions.  I will no longer listen to the inner voice who loves to harp on my shortcomings.  I have made my final apology.  Each and every day I will wake up and make a conscience effort to create a positive life experience.  My actions will be of sound mind and body.  My words will be chosen with care...ok well that's a tall order... anyone who knows me knows I have a mild to moderate case of verbal diarrhea.  My head and heart will always be in the right place but my mouth will say something worthy of a dope slap.  Knowing your shortcomings is half the battle.  The rest is just practice.  I will care for myself like I should have been caring for myself all along, with love and respect.  I cannot and will not try to please everyone.  I will love me for me.  There may come a day where someone will also love me for me.  It's all a bit wibbly wobbley timey wimey.  

People say change takes time and can't be done over night.  I would agree.  Having said that, I believe change can come from the smallest of thoughts.  Those thoughts become subtle changes which become coping mechanisms which then become part of the norm.  Have I perfected how to remove my "dark passenger" (I loved Dexter)?  I have not because I understand it's part of who I am.  However, I will be damned if I ever let it take control again.  It's a daily process of understanding triggers, knowing the signs and creating countermeasures to not just curb but avoid incident.  I can't prove to anyone this is working and frankly I shouldn't have to.  I know it's working because I am working it every day.  I haven't felt this good in a very long time.

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce. - Chinese Proverb

I won't lie, I'm still hurting a little.  Thankfully I found ways to take the sadness and turn the potential negative energy into positive energy.  Looking back there are so many good things to come out of this break up.  I started running again.  Setting goals for myself.  Self awareness to a whole new level of understanding.  Reconnecting with my creative side.  Taking pride in my job.  Opening up to new experiences.  Saying yes more.  I'm even considering a return to comedy and my radio show.  I have received messages and emails from people who have read my posts on Facebook telling me I am inspiring them.  How cool is that?     

The best thing to come out of all this: I love the face I see in the mirror every morning.  It isn't the face of a monster my inner voice claims.  It's my real face.  The face I've wanted to see in the mirror for so long.  It has wrinkles, laugh lines, a few scars.  It reminds me every day I have my faults but it also reminds me I have so many good things.  It always reminds me I can do better today than I did yesterday.  It reminds me to do something good for myself and do something nice for someone else each and every day.  Looking in the mirror each morning and seeing that mug is my affirmation to myself and the world.  I am human and I will make mistakes.  It reminds me to learn from those mistakes.  It allows me to forgive myself.  It reminds me I have a good heart and it warns me to be careful because people can and will take advantage and exploit that.  It reminds me I am capable of being anything I want to be.  It reminds me nothing is guaranteed, to own my choices, both good and bad.  In other words, it is the best friend I will ever have.  I am glad we finally met.

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin? - Walk, Foo Fighters


So where do I go from here?  I'm going to continue the journey I started 47 years ago.  I'm going to live my life the best way possible.  In peace with myself and those around me.  Haters, negative, backstabbers, liars, cheats, short sighted, narrow minded, mean, angry, perpetual victims and anyone else who seek to destroy what I am building (this includes me too), you are hereby put on notice.  I am reborn, and the land with me... reminds me of another quote:

"I did not know how empty was my soul, until it was filled" - King Arthur, Excalibur

So this is the end.  This chapter of my life is done.  I will look back with great fondness of my experiences.  The love, laughter, the struggles, joy and pain, sunshine and rain.  I will look back now and then, but you wont catch me staring.  I'm done with this heavy hearted, post breakup apocalypse I put myself in.  I've climbed out of the hole and I'm ready for what's next.  Are you?  

And these are the last words I have to say
It's always hard to say goodbye
But now it's time to put this book away
Ain't that the story of my life - Famous Last Words, Billy Joel

And so it begins... This is going to be fun!!!!!  

All my best, 

Paul