I Know, I Know, I Know The Sky Is What Makes The Ocean Blue

Greetings,

It's Sunday and it's snowing here.  Social media is buzzing with each side of the love/hate relationship with snow.  Everyone making their view point known.  Personally, it doesn't matter to me.  I love the first snow fall of the year.  Snow fall to me is romantic.  Who out there doesn't have a memory of walking in a snowfall with a loved one (or potential) by their side.  I'm recalling one now from my time in Washington state.  It was during this snow fall I kissed this girl for the first time.  Say what you want about traveling in wintry weather, the hassle, delays, etc etc etc.. there is something magical about taking a walk with a special someone.

With that in mind I attempted a return to the online dating scene and after a nanosecond of thought, I have decided to let my membership end and shut down my account on the two sites I am currently posted on.  At this point of my life, I don't have the stomach or the patience for it.  Let me explain... no not enough time, let me sum up.

I captured lightning in a bottle once.  I found and was found by exactly what I set out to find.  It was good at times, it was bumpy others.  My recent blogs have given a taste of how that worked out.  I'll go to my grave believing it was a case of "right person, wrong time". So post break up I mistakenly thought I could hop back in the saddle and ride into town again.  I had a sense of self.  I was feeling good, looking good and having gone through something which gave me pause to remember I'm not done learning and growing as a human, I was that much more aware of who I am.  Sadly I truly forgot my experience before lightning struck.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss - We Won't Get Fooled Again, The Who

In the last few weeks I have reached out to a few of the online profiles and none came back with a response.  Not even a polite "thanks but no thanks" message.  I've received a few emails from these sites, most if not all were either too young, too old or geographically out of the realm of possibility (seriously why are you sending me a message from Virginia, yes we are both part of the original 13 colonies but after that, there is nothing!!!).  

I try to be a realist.  I'm a 47 yr old male with two kids under the age of 10.  Most women my age either have grown children and are not looking to re-enter that world or they have never had kids and are not giving up their traveling to Belize to zipline for a single dad.  I get it and quite frankly I didn't reach out to any of them.  The ones I did reach out to were the single moms with kids around the same age as mine who live relative to my zip code and had similar interest etc etc etc.  In short, the people you would expect me to reach out to.  The result is best summed by with a line from a Salt N Peppa song: 

"Pow Bang Boom... Nuthin!"  (and surprisingly I believe I am ok with that.)

(20 minutes passed since I wrote the last sentence)

Here are some sobering numbers I just figured out. In the past 30 years I have been part of a committed exclusive relationship for a total of 14 years.  Which means more than half of my adult life until now I have been unattached or just dating without serious commitment.  So maybe I am just predisposed to be unattached.  Reading those words back gave me a pit in my stomach.  I don't mind being alone but I certainly don't want to be alone.

In my youth I was quick to fall in "love" (at least what I thought love was).

TPR Theater Presents

Love In The Time of Disco's Death (1979)

Inside cafeteria at junior high school

Me: Hi Lisa

Lisa: Ummmm Hi? (turns to her friend) Who is that?

Me: Oh Jesus she said hi, I'm in love

Fade to black

The End

As I got older it really didn't get better.  I would be with someone in what I thought was a relationship but there would be a 600 pound gorrilla in the room I chose not to acknowledge:

TPR Theater Presents

Love In The Time Of Bittersweet Symphony (1999)

Interior Apartment night 

Me: I'm looking forward to going out tonight
Diane: Yeah me too.  Thanks for getting tickets for this concert.
Me: It was nothing, happy to borrow against my future earnings to get these tickets for you.
Diane: Just so you know you can't stay over tonight.
Me: (sarcastic) Why, do you have another guy hiding in your bedroom waiting for you to come home from our date?
Diane: Actually yes.
Me: Oh, um, well we should just get going, maybe you'll change your mind and send him home by the time we get back.
Fade to black
The End

As I got older I realized my idea of love was fucked up.  After my marriage ended I went through some rough days, weeks, months and years.  I tried going out on a few dates but my heart wasn't into it.  On the surface I was ok, however on the inside I was like the Grinch of love.  My heart was 3 sizes too small and frozen solid like Elsa's castle.  I had no desire for love or being loved.  Like I said, dark times.  But to quote Miracle Max from one of, if not, my favorite movie:

"Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe.. "

Love is an amazing feeling.  Why wouldn't each and every one of us want to be capable of love and being loved.  Am I wrong for wanting to be in love?  I don't think so.  Where I (and I am sure countless others) went wrong is we forgot the main ingredient in being able to love and be loved... we truly have to love ourselves.  We have to be happy in and with our own skin before we can ever truly be capable of love.  I am glad I took so much time after my marriage ended because it was in that time I realized who I am and developed a self respect/self love for myself I never had before.  I'll continue to stumble from time to time and that's ok.  When I'm done learning, I'm done living.

So for now, I'm going to let my online dating subscription end.  I realize I am not completely over the lightning I caught and who knows what the future will bring.  The universe had something else in mind apparently.  I'll never stop being a hopeful romantic, I'd like to think it can happen again.  Until that time, I'll keep taking care of me, my kids, my body, mind and spirit.

Until Next Time,

Paul

PS: The title to this blog (like many titles of my blog) comes from a song.  This entry is from:

Ben Lee - Love Me Like The World Is Ending

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