It May Be Rainin, But There's a Rainbow Above You...

It was 23 years ago, December 11, 1991, my father Dad left this place.  His suffering was over, his time was done.  He was ready for his next adventure... Me, not so much.  Every year I try to think back to a moment he and I shared.  A way to have his memory live on.  Sadly I think my memory is starting to fade or I have reached maximum density of the good times but I'm going to see what I can remember tonight.  He was more sinner than saint.  He was definitely who Billy Joel was singing about when he said "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints".

Let me explain... Not enough time, let me sum up.

One of my earliest memories of me interacting with my dad was when I was 6.  We were in the car waiting for my mother I assume.  I was in the front seat (love the early 70's strict seatbelt laws) and I asked him how old he was.  He replied, "36".  Without missing a beat I said "You have a lot of gray hair for 36."  You can imagine his response wasn't a favorable one.  I was in the back seat within a few seconds.  Looking back I realized a few things from this memory.  My dad was almost always very honest with me.  Secondly, I always knew where I stood.  If he was upset with me he would let me know.  If he was happy, well that came later.

When I was in Cub Scouts each year we would participate in the Pinewood Derby.  Each year Dad would take a day and make the racers for my brother and me.  He came up with some pretty cool designs, coloring and creative use of weights.  Again as I look back into this memory, he really gave a decent amount of his time and attention to detail.  Even after he sliced his hand open making our racers he was back at it the next year.  I don't know who was more excited each heat we won, him or me?  Some of those racers still exist somewhere, perhaps with my brother.  I'll have to check with him.

I've told the YoYo story before but I think its worth mentioning again.  When I was younger, I wanted a yoyo.  Any and every store I was in with Dad that had yoyo's I was asking him to buy me one.  "No" was the steady answer.  It got to the point were I stopped asking.  Fast forward enough time where I gave up asking.  One morning before school, my father hands me a $1 dollar bill.  He tells me to go to the Home Cash Market, walk through the front door, turn to my right and pick one.  I was clueless.  I can remember him saying, just shut up and do it!  All during school I had this dollar burning a hole in my pocket.  I could have purchased and extra lunch or got something else.  I resisted temptation.  After school I walked down to Home Cash Market (which is in the opposite direction of how normally go home).  I walked in the door, turn to my right and before me was a tall rack of Duncan YoYo's.  Almost all of them were 95 cents (the light up one was a little more).  So I picked my yoyo our and headed to the register.  I don't know if the woman knew me or knew my dad but she had a smile on her face like she knew what just happened.  I remember when Dad got home from work he saw me playing with my new acquisition.  I remember saying thank you and him giving me "the look".

As I mentioned before I always knew were I stood with my father.  When I was in high school my parents separated.  As I write this I seem to remember he driving me to band practice with a bunch of his stuff in the back seat of his car and him telling me he wouldn't be home for a while.  Odd what we remember.   Some time passed and I guess I hadn't spoke to my dad in a while.  He picked me up after school one day, which was very unusual, under the guise of going to Sears to get my brother a birthday present.  As we got there he asked in his salty way why I wasn't talking to him.  I told him the reasons (which I won't mention here).  He proceeded to engage me in a conversation like no other I had ever had with him before.  It was on that day in October when I found the human inside this larger than life entity that was my dad.  He was open, honest, engaging.  I realized that day he loved me and I was important to him.  Yeah my eyes are welling up as I write this but dammit I gotta get thru this.

This year ends with something I may have mentioned before too.  Dad liked to come to my comedy shows when he could.  One of my shows was on May 12, his birthday.  I remember he was late getting to the club and I asked the host to hold up the show for just 5 minutes.  He showed up about 4 minutes and 35 seconds later.  I ran through my act and left myself about a minute at the end.  I told the crowd it was my dad's birthday and if we could all sing happy birthday to him.  Have a capacity crowd of 150 singing to him was simply un-fucking-believeable.  After the show, he came up to me, big smile on his face, despite the amount of pain he was in, and said he was so proud of me and he loved me.

It was only the second time he ever said that to me but that didn't matter.  It's quality, not quantity.

For those that knew him, join me in remembering him.  For those not fortunate enough to have met him know that my father, Donald G. Kravitz was more sinner than saint.  He was rough around the edges.  He was, at times, short tempered and used some of the most foul language.  He was flawed.  He was also kind, helpful and generous.  He went out of his way for those he cared about.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he loved me.  I only had a handful of time as an adult with him.  I wished for more but happy with what I was able to have.

My life to date hasn't turned out the way I imagined it would years ago.  This year has been a rollercoaster.  Higher than high and lower than low.  I was watching a tv commercial the other day and I hear a speech and I realize it is from the last Rocky movie.  Say what you want about Sly this was a really decent pep talk and it fits into my father / son theme today.

Like I always say to my kids, "Why do we fall?  So we can learn how to get back up."



Joel just walked in and asked if I was going to sing Twinkle Twinkle tonight.  "Absolutely buddy, I'll be right there."  Joel replied, "Ok daddy" as he walked over gave me a kiss followed by, "I love you daddy".  Yeah I lost it. :-)


Paul


Today's title comes from one of Dad's favorite songs.




The Paul Report ©2014 Paul Kravitz

It's Just I'm Feeling Invincible and It Has Me Terrified

As some of you may have read on my Facebook page I received some really good news regarding my health.  Here is my entry from Tuesday:

It was a pretty solid moment for me.  I sent out a few thank you notes to special people who I felt helped me achieve this milestone.  I did the work, that goes without saying but without the support & love (which takes many forms) I may not have reached this goal as quickly as I did.  So again, thank you.

But now what?  Let me explain... no, there is too much, let me sum up.

This isn't my first time at the "getting my shit in order rodeo".  Several years ago I went on a health bender that lasted about 6 months.  I was eating right, exercising and taking my meds.  I dropped my A1c down to about the same as it is now, about 6.6.  I was elated.  Proud.  Really proud of my accomplishment.  So proud in fact, within 3 weeks of that moment I was back to eating crap, sitting on the couch and taking my meds about as often as big retailers feel remorse for opening their stores on Thanksgiving.  My A1c skyrocketed and never saw a sub 8.0 level until this last go round.  So what changed?  What clicked?  Why did I succeed now where I failed so many times before?  Oddly enough the answer will surprise you.  It was my continued failure in life which eventually pushed me harder to succeed.  

This blog is littered with the debris of my life over the last several years.  Loss of job, epic marriage fail, blah blah blah blah.  I am not going to regurgitate the past.  The blogs are out there if you want to read them.  This is about moving forward.  However as I sit here, I do have to go back a little to come full circle.  Sometime in my early 40's my doctor told me, "If I don't get a handle on my health, I will be in my final decade."  This should have struck fear into my core.  It didn't.  I taunted the universe with my arrogance.  The universe ain't got time for that!!!!  It was as if the universe was reciting Ezekiel 25:17 to me after eating my Big Kahuna burger and some of my tasty beverage.  Things went from bad to worse to even worse to a hairline away from doing something really stupid.  I been there before and promised I never would go there again.  I kept that promise, barely.  

I was starting to lose weight in 2010.  I wasn't doing ANYTHING to lose weight.  I was off my meds, eating whatever I wanted and I was losing weight.  Hey, when your life is in the toilet and you are losing unwanted pounds, ignorance is bliss.  This went on for a while.  This ride was halted for good in April of 2014 when I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy.  Cue the scary music....

The hospital stay and endless testing was enough to get me thinking about making better choices.  The blood test reading of 400+ were embarrassing.  When I got out of the hospital, I was very weak, droopy faced, vision impaired and I was scared out of my fucking mind.  I was alone in the world.  Yes I had my kids but they didn't need the burden of knowing their dad was skirting a thin line between sanity and something else.  They didn't need to know their dad was struggling to make sense of a world that had chewed him up and spit him out.  And they most certainly didn't know their dad was traveling to and from work with limited vision, headaches and the weight of the world on his shoulders.  The never needed to know on more than one occasion, over the next 10 weeks he nearly ended up kissing a guardrail or another vehicle while going 80 MPH because he just wanted to get home so he could shut his eyes and make the pain stop.  I truly suffered in silence.  It wasn't until June when the pain finally subsided, my vision returned to normal and my smile straightened out.  The physical effects of the Bells Palsy were gone but the need to fix myself once and for all was ever present.  

It was around this time I made a simple decision.  No More.  Ok well that isn't true.  I actually said, lets cut down on the crap I'm eating and make some better choices.  I started moving my body on break and lunch.  I started eating from the salad bar instead of the prepared foods.  I started drinking more water than I thought was possible.  Not only was I  keeping on track at work, but while I was home too.  My routine was set.  Walking 3x a day, eating better, taking my meds EVERYDAY and beginning to believe my life was worth something.  Over the next several weeks I started feeling better, stronger, more confident and less like a complete and utter failure in life.  Of course my old friend the universe was biding it's time for something like this to happen...sharpening it's blade...and waiting.

By the middle of summer I found myself in a relationship.  Being in it only helped to strengthen my already booming commitment to staying healthy. Then the universe showed up.  No rehash.  No staring back into the abyss. What's done is done.  Hearts will break and then they heal.   The real story is what I did in the face of losing love.  Instead of my usual head first dive into a steady diet of self loathing, Little Debbie cakes and binge tv watching, I opted to get back into running.  I dug out my Couch to 5K program and just did my best Forrest Gump.  There was no "I'll start tomorrow" or "Why bother".  I realized there was more to my life than a broken relationship regardless of how much pain I was in.  I was still alive, I had come this far and I wasn't done yet.  So I embraced my inner runner.  While it would have been easy to, I did not allow myself to be derailed on my quest to get my health under control.  

I know I will never been a great runner.  I still have much discipline to learn.  But I am making the time to do what I need to do before I do what I want to do.  I need me to be healthy.  For myself, my kids and someday maybe a special someone... but I am putting the cart before the horse here.  My motivation for staying healthy is based on my desire to live a better life, a longer life and do more with whatever time I have left.  I am learning to say yes more.  I am learning to say no more.  I am learning to be protective of my heart.  I'm learning to be patient.  I'm saying "it's never too late to be what I might have become" (paraphrase of my favorite quote from George Eliot).  I need to learn to stop my mouth sometimes.  Anyone have any tips and tricks?

2014 started off like many of the last several years.  Me pissed off at the world and dreading the days, weeks and months ahead.  Then one day it changed.  Then it changed again, and again.  The difference this time was the change didn't make me weaker, it made me stronger.  

So where do I go from here?  Wherever my legs and music will take me.  I'll be making stops at several 5K races between now and spring, my reward for the training!  I'll be pushing my limits to increase my skills, not just in running but in many other avenues of my life.  I will not give up when I have a bad day.  I will give myself time to feel, think, act and react.  I will not let anyone dictate my life.  I will teach my kids lessons I have learned to help them navigate this life.  I will do so much more than I have done in the past because there is no time like the present.  I will love again and I am already starting with me.  I will get my A1c down below 6 by my next blood test in February.  There was a lot of good in me before.  In fact there still is.  I am committed to making sure I remember that.  Only I can define me, nobody else.  I will stumble and perhaps I will fall from time to time... but why do we fall?  To learn how to get back up.  

I've gotten back up yet again.  You want to knock me down?  F' you, catch me if you can!

Until next time.  

Paul

The title of  this blogs is from Blues Traveler "Conquer Me"  Take a listen:

I Know, I Know, I Know The Sky Is What Makes The Ocean Blue

Greetings,

It's Sunday and it's snowing here.  Social media is buzzing with each side of the love/hate relationship with snow.  Everyone making their view point known.  Personally, it doesn't matter to me.  I love the first snow fall of the year.  Snow fall to me is romantic.  Who out there doesn't have a memory of walking in a snowfall with a loved one (or potential) by their side.  I'm recalling one now from my time in Washington state.  It was during this snow fall I kissed this girl for the first time.  Say what you want about traveling in wintry weather, the hassle, delays, etc etc etc.. there is something magical about taking a walk with a special someone.

With that in mind I attempted a return to the online dating scene and after a nanosecond of thought, I have decided to let my membership end and shut down my account on the two sites I am currently posted on.  At this point of my life, I don't have the stomach or the patience for it.  Let me explain... no not enough time, let me sum up.

I captured lightning in a bottle once.  I found and was found by exactly what I set out to find.  It was good at times, it was bumpy others.  My recent blogs have given a taste of how that worked out.  I'll go to my grave believing it was a case of "right person, wrong time". So post break up I mistakenly thought I could hop back in the saddle and ride into town again.  I had a sense of self.  I was feeling good, looking good and having gone through something which gave me pause to remember I'm not done learning and growing as a human, I was that much more aware of who I am.  Sadly I truly forgot my experience before lightning struck.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss - We Won't Get Fooled Again, The Who

In the last few weeks I have reached out to a few of the online profiles and none came back with a response.  Not even a polite "thanks but no thanks" message.  I've received a few emails from these sites, most if not all were either too young, too old or geographically out of the realm of possibility (seriously why are you sending me a message from Virginia, yes we are both part of the original 13 colonies but after that, there is nothing!!!).  

I try to be a realist.  I'm a 47 yr old male with two kids under the age of 10.  Most women my age either have grown children and are not looking to re-enter that world or they have never had kids and are not giving up their traveling to Belize to zipline for a single dad.  I get it and quite frankly I didn't reach out to any of them.  The ones I did reach out to were the single moms with kids around the same age as mine who live relative to my zip code and had similar interest etc etc etc.  In short, the people you would expect me to reach out to.  The result is best summed by with a line from a Salt N Peppa song: 

"Pow Bang Boom... Nuthin!"  (and surprisingly I believe I am ok with that.)

(20 minutes passed since I wrote the last sentence)

Here are some sobering numbers I just figured out. In the past 30 years I have been part of a committed exclusive relationship for a total of 14 years.  Which means more than half of my adult life until now I have been unattached or just dating without serious commitment.  So maybe I am just predisposed to be unattached.  Reading those words back gave me a pit in my stomach.  I don't mind being alone but I certainly don't want to be alone.

In my youth I was quick to fall in "love" (at least what I thought love was).

TPR Theater Presents

Love In The Time of Disco's Death (1979)

Inside cafeteria at junior high school

Me: Hi Lisa

Lisa: Ummmm Hi? (turns to her friend) Who is that?

Me: Oh Jesus she said hi, I'm in love

Fade to black

The End

As I got older it really didn't get better.  I would be with someone in what I thought was a relationship but there would be a 600 pound gorrilla in the room I chose not to acknowledge:

TPR Theater Presents

Love In The Time Of Bittersweet Symphony (1999)

Interior Apartment night 

Me: I'm looking forward to going out tonight
Diane: Yeah me too.  Thanks for getting tickets for this concert.
Me: It was nothing, happy to borrow against my future earnings to get these tickets for you.
Diane: Just so you know you can't stay over tonight.
Me: (sarcastic) Why, do you have another guy hiding in your bedroom waiting for you to come home from our date?
Diane: Actually yes.
Me: Oh, um, well we should just get going, maybe you'll change your mind and send him home by the time we get back.
Fade to black
The End

As I got older I realized my idea of love was fucked up.  After my marriage ended I went through some rough days, weeks, months and years.  I tried going out on a few dates but my heart wasn't into it.  On the surface I was ok, however on the inside I was like the Grinch of love.  My heart was 3 sizes too small and frozen solid like Elsa's castle.  I had no desire for love or being loved.  Like I said, dark times.  But to quote Miracle Max from one of, if not, my favorite movie:

"Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe.. "

Love is an amazing feeling.  Why wouldn't each and every one of us want to be capable of love and being loved.  Am I wrong for wanting to be in love?  I don't think so.  Where I (and I am sure countless others) went wrong is we forgot the main ingredient in being able to love and be loved... we truly have to love ourselves.  We have to be happy in and with our own skin before we can ever truly be capable of love.  I am glad I took so much time after my marriage ended because it was in that time I realized who I am and developed a self respect/self love for myself I never had before.  I'll continue to stumble from time to time and that's ok.  When I'm done learning, I'm done living.

So for now, I'm going to let my online dating subscription end.  I realize I am not completely over the lightning I caught and who knows what the future will bring.  The universe had something else in mind apparently.  I'll never stop being a hopeful romantic, I'd like to think it can happen again.  Until that time, I'll keep taking care of me, my kids, my body, mind and spirit.

Until Next Time,

Paul

PS: The title to this blog (like many titles of my blog) comes from a song.  This entry is from:

Ben Lee - Love Me Like The World Is Ending

The Paul Report © 2014 PAKMEDIA

Handling The Seasons Of My Life

Cause even though when times got rough
You never turned away
You were right there
And I thank you - Thank You, Boyz II Men

First things first: THANK YOU!!!  Thank you to everyone who had a kind word for me at some point over the last month as I was whining and bellyaching over a break up.  Thank you for words of encouragement, quotes, memes, private messages, public messages, hugs both real and with {{{Paul}}}.  Thank you for listening.  Each and every one of you helped me arrive at this moment.

And now... I am done.  I found MY peace.   

No longer will I beat myself up for my actions.  I will no longer listen to the inner voice who loves to harp on my shortcomings.  I have made my final apology.  Each and every day I will wake up and make a conscience effort to create a positive life experience.  My actions will be of sound mind and body.  My words will be chosen with care...ok well that's a tall order... anyone who knows me knows I have a mild to moderate case of verbal diarrhea.  My head and heart will always be in the right place but my mouth will say something worthy of a dope slap.  Knowing your shortcomings is half the battle.  The rest is just practice.  I will care for myself like I should have been caring for myself all along, with love and respect.  I cannot and will not try to please everyone.  I will love me for me.  There may come a day where someone will also love me for me.  It's all a bit wibbly wobbley timey wimey.  

People say change takes time and can't be done over night.  I would agree.  Having said that, I believe change can come from the smallest of thoughts.  Those thoughts become subtle changes which become coping mechanisms which then become part of the norm.  Have I perfected how to remove my "dark passenger" (I loved Dexter)?  I have not because I understand it's part of who I am.  However, I will be damned if I ever let it take control again.  It's a daily process of understanding triggers, knowing the signs and creating countermeasures to not just curb but avoid incident.  I can't prove to anyone this is working and frankly I shouldn't have to.  I know it's working because I am working it every day.  I haven't felt this good in a very long time.

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce. - Chinese Proverb

I won't lie, I'm still hurting a little.  Thankfully I found ways to take the sadness and turn the potential negative energy into positive energy.  Looking back there are so many good things to come out of this break up.  I started running again.  Setting goals for myself.  Self awareness to a whole new level of understanding.  Reconnecting with my creative side.  Taking pride in my job.  Opening up to new experiences.  Saying yes more.  I'm even considering a return to comedy and my radio show.  I have received messages and emails from people who have read my posts on Facebook telling me I am inspiring them.  How cool is that?     

The best thing to come out of all this: I love the face I see in the mirror every morning.  It isn't the face of a monster my inner voice claims.  It's my real face.  The face I've wanted to see in the mirror for so long.  It has wrinkles, laugh lines, a few scars.  It reminds me every day I have my faults but it also reminds me I have so many good things.  It always reminds me I can do better today than I did yesterday.  It reminds me to do something good for myself and do something nice for someone else each and every day.  Looking in the mirror each morning and seeing that mug is my affirmation to myself and the world.  I am human and I will make mistakes.  It reminds me to learn from those mistakes.  It allows me to forgive myself.  It reminds me I have a good heart and it warns me to be careful because people can and will take advantage and exploit that.  It reminds me I am capable of being anything I want to be.  It reminds me nothing is guaranteed, to own my choices, both good and bad.  In other words, it is the best friend I will ever have.  I am glad we finally met.

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin? - Walk, Foo Fighters


So where do I go from here?  I'm going to continue the journey I started 47 years ago.  I'm going to live my life the best way possible.  In peace with myself and those around me.  Haters, negative, backstabbers, liars, cheats, short sighted, narrow minded, mean, angry, perpetual victims and anyone else who seek to destroy what I am building (this includes me too), you are hereby put on notice.  I am reborn, and the land with me... reminds me of another quote:

"I did not know how empty was my soul, until it was filled" - King Arthur, Excalibur

So this is the end.  This chapter of my life is done.  I will look back with great fondness of my experiences.  The love, laughter, the struggles, joy and pain, sunshine and rain.  I will look back now and then, but you wont catch me staring.  I'm done with this heavy hearted, post breakup apocalypse I put myself in.  I've climbed out of the hole and I'm ready for what's next.  Are you?  

And these are the last words I have to say
It's always hard to say goodbye
But now it's time to put this book away
Ain't that the story of my life - Famous Last Words, Billy Joel

And so it begins... This is going to be fun!!!!!  

All my best, 

Paul

There Are A Few Things I Have To Tell You 
(And this isn't going to be easy)

For several months now I have been walking around with this blog entry in my head.  Several times I have attempted to sit and write and every time I failed to type one single byte of information onto the screen.  Overall my creativity has been suffering.  I've been unable to write or edit video which both are activities I truly love to do and help keep me going.  I've haven't slept well lately.  The last few nights I haven't slept more than a few non consecutive hours.  I feel horrible and my brain is mushy. I believe this blog might help me relieve some of the pressure and restore a little balance.  If you have read any of my other blogs, you may find familiar themes here.  The lesson to myself is those who don't learn from their past..... maybe this time I'll learn so I won't have to keep repeating.

It's amazing when you look back on a life and you can pick out the highlights and the lowlights.  I knew I was in trouble when the highlights were the vast minority and lowlights were the norm.  From being shitty with finances, a procrastinator extraordinaire to epic fails at relationships and eventually marriage, to allowing my emotions to rule the roost, I have made a mess of my life.  The roller coaster analogy of building up to something getting to the top and then plummeting down only to build back up again to dive bomb yet again.  Throw in hard turns, dark tunnels, corkscrews and loops and you have a good representation of MYlife as I see it and more importantly, feel it.  

It's easy to blame others for your failures.  My father yelled at me, my mother said I wasn't smart enough, my brothers and sisters picked on relentlessly me until I cried. As we get older we start blaming our teachers for not giving us extra time, our counsellors for not giving us proper guidance.  Then to the workplace, my boss hates me, my coworkers get treated better than I do, why are my suggestions discounted and everyone else's taken as gospel, to the home life, my wife doesn't love me anymore, the kids are driving me crazy....STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

As I look back on the last few years of my life, I'm constantly choking on my own failures. Some of these episodes are instigated by those around me.  Some find they have to berate me for my station in life, others who expect me to live up to their personal standards, rules, regulations and unhealthy view of the world.  There are those who have been very generous with their time and financial resources.  Yet, no matter how many times you thank them, they have the expectation you owe them to do as they say, when they say without question.  Then, of course, there is the self inflicted force feeding on your own miserable bad press.  Force feeding all the negative feelings you have for yourself and ALLOWING the thoughts, feelings and unhealthy behaviors of others to get jammed down your throat as well you can't help to begin thinking, "would non existence be favorable than living the life you are always choking on.  Is it worth the fight?"  The questions start swirling... How do I stop choking?  How do I stop my bad life?  How do I find balance in life and turn this shitty existence around?  The answer was there all along and I only need look at the questions.  How do I???? 

I just do.

You know the moment you are looking for your keys.  You yell out to whoever is listening asking "Have you seen my keys?" but you never hear an answer.  When you finally find them you say to yourself.... I must have looked there 100 times and I never saw it and the voice from the other room says "I did say they were right there"  There is a lesson there.

My problems in life are mine and no one else's.  I must refuse myself entry to arguments others are inviting me to.  It's up to me to remind myself every single day I am good and worthy.  It's up to me and me alone to give my life validity and top stop force feeding myself all the unhealthy food, both real and figurative, so I may allow myself to live the life I want.  The funny thing is, I'm not the author of this method, its like the keys you were looking for...been there all along just couldn't see it.  Even when someone was telling you all along where the keys were, if you weren't in the right place, you didn't hear it.  

Another tributary of this river of opening up is the need to be honest and accountable about my health.  I was portraying the image I was doing ok.  I felt good most days and chalked up the bad days to getting older, working too much and stress of life.  I lost nearly 80 lbs and told people it was due to eating better and a little bit of exercise.  The truth was hard to admit to.   Several months ago I found out my diabetes was so out of control due to non compliance.  My A1c was so dangerously high I am embarrassed to release the number but in order to be accountable I'll tell you it was 14.2.  Those who know what that number means, I'm sorry I wasn't honest about it.   It has dropped a little since that time but I have a long way to go to get back to a stable number.  I am compliant with my meds and started being very serious about moving my body regularly and with obtainable goals.  This is a bell I can't unring.  Truth be told I glad it's out there because suffering in silence is exhausting and the damage to my soul and my physical body are scary.  

My actions, like everyone else's at many times of life have run the gamut of being awesome to irresponsible to downright despicable.  I am so self aware of each actions but more so the less than desirable ones I struggle with now.  These are the ones I need to make right.  I am working towards giving myself the mental fortitude to face those I have been avoiding for sometime now because of my fear and embarrassment.  If they are reading this, they know who they are.    

Life is not easy, anyone telling you something different is selling something.  I'm working towards being honest with myself and those around me.  I made this life I am living now.  Not my my parents, not my siblings, my ex, children, extended family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, relative strangers, total strangers, diabetes, psoriasis, protoplasm, whether Pluto is a moon or a planet.  Nobody put me where I am today beside me.  After an exhaustive search for the root of my issues it came back to the dude looking in the mirror.  I find a peace in that realization.  But the story doesn't end there.  There is so much work to do and the road is long.  I have issues and I find comfort knowing I am not alone with my issues...lots of people have the same issues I have.  We are all unique in many ways but when it comes to problems, issues and I am not unique in that way.  

In closing, As I continue my struggle with life and fixing my broken parts I admit to continue to struggle with being lonely as it relates to social life.  I long to have social interactions with friends, with a companion, partner in crime, someone to go out with, someone to come home to.  Having said that I know all too well that we attract where we are at so I'll cope with my loneliness and put my energies towards fixing me and my parts, the ladies will just have to wait!   

To quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles..." oh wait wrong quote....I meant to say, "It feels like Starting Over"*

To the future...

*(side note: It isn't lost on me the fact that shortly after John Lennon recorded this song he was murdered in front of his house but nonetheless I'm sticking with using that particular quote)

Your Suffering Is NOT Worse Than Mine...

Note: I thought I had a cohesive thought going here but after reading it I find myself sliding around a bit.  Sorry.

There was a great scene in Chasing Amy where Banky and Alyssa were comparing injuries received during the act of having sex with various partners.  While each one was trying to up the other they each got a sense that they both suffered.  Personally getting your knees skinned while being dragged by a car does seem to be worse than a deformed digit.  But I digress.

The world is full of beauty and wonder.  It's also filled with crazy people who would opt to end the lives of many others before turning their weapon of mass destruction on themselves instead of just offing themselves in a basement with a note to their family saying they were sorry.  I can't imagine the pain, sorrow and potential lifelong suffering the people of Newtown are currently and will experience in the wake of what happened there.  As a parent I suppose I could consider the unthinkable but who would purposely go there?  I did.  It was the worst feeling I haven't had to and hope I never have to feel, that of losing a child.  Just putting myself in the vicinity of those shoes and I nearly broke down crying.  And that was just a nanosecond of thought.  I don't want to imagine the horrors of reality for the people directly affected by recent events.  Personally I wish the ability to find some level of peace so their lives can go on.


In light of recent events there will most certainly be debate around guns and mental health in the coming months.  I hope a big push is made towards the mental health issues.  I'm certainly not a member of the NRA and I was willing to stand in line to pry the gun from Mr Heston's cold dead hands but I digress.  There is a real need for helping those with mental health issues.  Regrettably some can't be helped but I have hope many can be if more programs were made available and funded properly.

* * *


It is my belief suffering shouldn't be measured by consensus.  Everyone has a level of suffering in their own lives.  A rich man can suffer when his Jaguar is totaled by his spoiled son.  An office worker can suffer when their computer crashes as they are finishing up their work.  A drug addicted homeless person can suffer when he can't bum enough money for his next fix.  My point is we all suffer and there isn't a committee that says one persons suffering is worse than another.  Having said that, society will pass judgement of the suffering of others.  "That rich guy can afford to by a new Jag." "You should have saved your work before the system crashed." "Get a job you homeless bum!"  It all perception.  Suffering is suffering.

My life has seen suffering the last few years.  Losing my job, not getting a new job for a myriad of reasons, marriage going to shit, losing a house, evicted from an apartment, moving in with my mother and the ups and downs of that, dealing with a new job, new schedule, new responsibilities, trying to be a good dad, fighting for my self dignity, trying to move beyond the past version of myself but having some people attempt to drag me back into that hell because of shit from their past, not mine.  It's my version of suffering and I am working towards a better day when my past can stay there, today is where I am living and tomorrow is part of a goal.  I am not a victim of bad parents, poor economy, failed marriage or lack of schooling.  These are products of the choices I have made in my life... I don't blame hold anyone accountable besides myself for my choices and subsequent actions.  That was a hard lesson to learn but I am thankful I did because it has made all the difference in the world.

More changes are headed my way.  While these changes are happening much sooner than I expected I have to be true to my goals of minimizing my suffering, maximize my enjoyment of life, lead by example for my kids and remember that we are creators of our future and our choices are ours to make.

Peace,

Paul

 

When A Bandage and a Kiss Isn't Enough Anymore

"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
"God only gives you what you can handle."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

The above statements have some validity. But what happens when you ARE given more than you can handle..."

Today is May 9, 2012 and I have, for the moment, conceded that my life has disintegrated to a string of events to where you can picture an image of me laying on a bed of nails where some offscreen neanderthal has a boot pushing down on my throat.

In the past 3.5 years I went from being gainfully employed, semi-happily married with a daughter and another child on the way. Life wasn't perfect, it definitely needed some work (marriage, health, finances) but it was manageable. Then came the layoff, marital issues, job search futility, more marriage issues, more money problems, 100's of resumes but not one interview, more marital problems, foreclosure, more marital issues, marital separation, so forth and so on. So now here I am 3.5 years later, financially hundreds of percentage point below poverty level, getting divorced from my wife, facing eviction from my apartment and not a fucking job opportunity in sight. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Or maybe it was? Somebody has to be at the bottom on the pile.  At this point, I'm not sure anymore. It's like I rode of wave of luck for so long that I didn't see that my luck was running out. Now it seems my luck has gone to the dark side. Seems the adage of "what can go wrong, will go wrong" has been the best descriptor of my life.

Before I go any further, I will add this in now because I know what you, the reader who knows me, are thinking. "You have those two beautiful children and you should want to live for them...etc etc etc." Yes, I do have two beautiful children and they are two of the most important people in my life, my heart and soul most days. And yes I want to live a long, happy life, watch my kids grow and impart as much knowledge on them as I can. Having said that, those two beautiful children will not guarantee me anything other than the knowledge that two humans on this earth love me unconditionally and I them at this stage of my life. What I am talking about here is the tsunami of shit that has covered every OTHER aspect of my life. Employment, personal relationships, love, self esteem, self worth are all at near zero. So while I am an excellent father to my two children in the ways of love, caring, and guidance I am currently throwing up very low numbers on the being able to financially provide for them. Moving on.

What happens when life stops making sense? What does a generally rational person do when they have been beaten down so much? Turn to a support system for help. What if that person has a skeleton crew of a support system? What if that support system only focuses on the problems and not the person having the problems? Instead of "How are you REALLY doing today? The question is almost always, "What are you doing about your situation today? When are you going do this, that the other thing?"
Imagine you fall overboard from a boat. The people in the boat say "Keep swimming towards the boat, you can do it." And you try to swim back but something gets in your way. It gets more and more difficult the longer you are are in the water. You get really tired and realize you are not going to make it back on your own. You scream "throw me the floatation ring that is right next to you." They scream back "You're strong enough, keep swimming!" This goes back and forth until one of two things happen. One, you make it back to the boat, the other is you drown. If you make it back to the boat, you are barely alive. But you are also exhausted, unable to breathe, aches, pains, damage to your body, your mind etc. Sure you made it back to the boat, hopefully in one piece.  Physical pain will heal but mentally you are fucked.

In times of normal stress, being able to get yourself out of a situation on your own is a character building event and can serve you later as an example of how to get out of another difficult situation. But what if while you are in the water trying to swim back and you get caught in choppy waters, bad weather, sharks, and any of the myriad of challenges which can arise. This is the exact situation I find myself in. I am drowning and I am screaming for help yet all I get back is "You are strong, you have those beautiful kids, you should do this, you should do that." But what if you are too tired to do anything more? What happens when that "one more thing" gets piled on top of your already overflowing pile...the proverbial 'wafer thin mint'... I'll tell you what happens...BOOM!

I am unable to take anything more on. In the latest in a string of difficult things piled on my plate... In less then 30 days my landlord intends to evict me and I don't have the will to fight anymore. I've been fighting for 3.5 years for and with everything on every level imaginable. I have no fight left in me. If I were being wheeled into the ER bleeding uncontrollably, I would expect they would do whatever it takes to stop the bleeding, not just wrap a bandage around it to stop the blood from pooling on the floor for the moment. I need to stop the bleeding, heal and move on.

I am now speaking to that one person who can help me out of the water and into the boat: Throw the life ring/stop me from bleeding out. Choose whichever metaphor works for you. Sure you'll have to put yourself in the middle of things. YES you may have to be inconvenienced for a time but what is the alternative... Watching me drown? You'll be helping me and my kids. You will provide a temporary harbor from the tempest. A place where I can rebuild without the heavy stresses of my extremely difficult day to day life I currently endure. The normal day to day stresses will be manageable. I'll have a safe haven from the boot currently on my throat. What's stopping you? It's time to step up. You have the means and the resources. It's time to act beyond what you want to do and do what you need to do to the well being and life of one of your own. I understand your normal routine may be disrupted for a little while, things may have to be pushed back for a few to several months and for that I am sorry but if that is the worst thing to happen to you right now then I'd say you are pretty fortunate. Bottom line is I need your help now.

Will you help me now?