Your Suffering Is NOT Worse Than Mine...

Note: I thought I had a cohesive thought going here but after reading it I find myself sliding around a bit.  Sorry.

There was a great scene in Chasing Amy where Banky and Alyssa were comparing injuries received during the act of having sex with various partners.  While each one was trying to up the other they each got a sense that they both suffered.  Personally getting your knees skinned while being dragged by a car does seem to be worse than a deformed digit.  But I digress.

The world is full of beauty and wonder.  It's also filled with crazy people who would opt to end the lives of many others before turning their weapon of mass destruction on themselves instead of just offing themselves in a basement with a note to their family saying they were sorry.  I can't imagine the pain, sorrow and potential lifelong suffering the people of Newtown are currently and will experience in the wake of what happened there.  As a parent I suppose I could consider the unthinkable but who would purposely go there?  I did.  It was the worst feeling I haven't had to and hope I never have to feel, that of losing a child.  Just putting myself in the vicinity of those shoes and I nearly broke down crying.  And that was just a nanosecond of thought.  I don't want to imagine the horrors of reality for the people directly affected by recent events.  Personally I wish the ability to find some level of peace so their lives can go on.


In light of recent events there will most certainly be debate around guns and mental health in the coming months.  I hope a big push is made towards the mental health issues.  I'm certainly not a member of the NRA and I was willing to stand in line to pry the gun from Mr Heston's cold dead hands but I digress.  There is a real need for helping those with mental health issues.  Regrettably some can't be helped but I have hope many can be if more programs were made available and funded properly.

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It is my belief suffering shouldn't be measured by consensus.  Everyone has a level of suffering in their own lives.  A rich man can suffer when his Jaguar is totaled by his spoiled son.  An office worker can suffer when their computer crashes as they are finishing up their work.  A drug addicted homeless person can suffer when he can't bum enough money for his next fix.  My point is we all suffer and there isn't a committee that says one persons suffering is worse than another.  Having said that, society will pass judgement of the suffering of others.  "That rich guy can afford to by a new Jag." "You should have saved your work before the system crashed." "Get a job you homeless bum!"  It all perception.  Suffering is suffering.

My life has seen suffering the last few years.  Losing my job, not getting a new job for a myriad of reasons, marriage going to shit, losing a house, evicted from an apartment, moving in with my mother and the ups and downs of that, dealing with a new job, new schedule, new responsibilities, trying to be a good dad, fighting for my self dignity, trying to move beyond the past version of myself but having some people attempt to drag me back into that hell because of shit from their past, not mine.  It's my version of suffering and I am working towards a better day when my past can stay there, today is where I am living and tomorrow is part of a goal.  I am not a victim of bad parents, poor economy, failed marriage or lack of schooling.  These are products of the choices I have made in my life... I don't blame hold anyone accountable besides myself for my choices and subsequent actions.  That was a hard lesson to learn but I am thankful I did because it has made all the difference in the world.

More changes are headed my way.  While these changes are happening much sooner than I expected I have to be true to my goals of minimizing my suffering, maximize my enjoyment of life, lead by example for my kids and remember that we are creators of our future and our choices are ours to make.

Peace,

Paul

 

When A Bandage and a Kiss Isn't Enough Anymore

"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
"God only gives you what you can handle."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

The above statements have some validity. But what happens when you ARE given more than you can handle..."

Today is May 9, 2012 and I have, for the moment, conceded that my life has disintegrated to a string of events to where you can picture an image of me laying on a bed of nails where some offscreen neanderthal has a boot pushing down on my throat.

In the past 3.5 years I went from being gainfully employed, semi-happily married with a daughter and another child on the way. Life wasn't perfect, it definitely needed some work (marriage, health, finances) but it was manageable. Then came the layoff, marital issues, job search futility, more marriage issues, more money problems, 100's of resumes but not one interview, more marital problems, foreclosure, more marital issues, marital separation, so forth and so on. So now here I am 3.5 years later, financially hundreds of percentage point below poverty level, getting divorced from my wife, facing eviction from my apartment and not a fucking job opportunity in sight. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Or maybe it was? Somebody has to be at the bottom on the pile.  At this point, I'm not sure anymore. It's like I rode of wave of luck for so long that I didn't see that my luck was running out. Now it seems my luck has gone to the dark side. Seems the adage of "what can go wrong, will go wrong" has been the best descriptor of my life.

Before I go any further, I will add this in now because I know what you, the reader who knows me, are thinking. "You have those two beautiful children and you should want to live for them...etc etc etc." Yes, I do have two beautiful children and they are two of the most important people in my life, my heart and soul most days. And yes I want to live a long, happy life, watch my kids grow and impart as much knowledge on them as I can. Having said that, those two beautiful children will not guarantee me anything other than the knowledge that two humans on this earth love me unconditionally and I them at this stage of my life. What I am talking about here is the tsunami of shit that has covered every OTHER aspect of my life. Employment, personal relationships, love, self esteem, self worth are all at near zero. So while I am an excellent father to my two children in the ways of love, caring, and guidance I am currently throwing up very low numbers on the being able to financially provide for them. Moving on.

What happens when life stops making sense? What does a generally rational person do when they have been beaten down so much? Turn to a support system for help. What if that person has a skeleton crew of a support system? What if that support system only focuses on the problems and not the person having the problems? Instead of "How are you REALLY doing today? The question is almost always, "What are you doing about your situation today? When are you going do this, that the other thing?"
Imagine you fall overboard from a boat. The people in the boat say "Keep swimming towards the boat, you can do it." And you try to swim back but something gets in your way. It gets more and more difficult the longer you are are in the water. You get really tired and realize you are not going to make it back on your own. You scream "throw me the floatation ring that is right next to you." They scream back "You're strong enough, keep swimming!" This goes back and forth until one of two things happen. One, you make it back to the boat, the other is you drown. If you make it back to the boat, you are barely alive. But you are also exhausted, unable to breathe, aches, pains, damage to your body, your mind etc. Sure you made it back to the boat, hopefully in one piece.  Physical pain will heal but mentally you are fucked.

In times of normal stress, being able to get yourself out of a situation on your own is a character building event and can serve you later as an example of how to get out of another difficult situation. But what if while you are in the water trying to swim back and you get caught in choppy waters, bad weather, sharks, and any of the myriad of challenges which can arise. This is the exact situation I find myself in. I am drowning and I am screaming for help yet all I get back is "You are strong, you have those beautiful kids, you should do this, you should do that." But what if you are too tired to do anything more? What happens when that "one more thing" gets piled on top of your already overflowing pile...the proverbial 'wafer thin mint'... I'll tell you what happens...BOOM!

I am unable to take anything more on. In the latest in a string of difficult things piled on my plate... In less then 30 days my landlord intends to evict me and I don't have the will to fight anymore. I've been fighting for 3.5 years for and with everything on every level imaginable. I have no fight left in me. If I were being wheeled into the ER bleeding uncontrollably, I would expect they would do whatever it takes to stop the bleeding, not just wrap a bandage around it to stop the blood from pooling on the floor for the moment. I need to stop the bleeding, heal and move on.

I am now speaking to that one person who can help me out of the water and into the boat: Throw the life ring/stop me from bleeding out. Choose whichever metaphor works for you. Sure you'll have to put yourself in the middle of things. YES you may have to be inconvenienced for a time but what is the alternative... Watching me drown? You'll be helping me and my kids. You will provide a temporary harbor from the tempest. A place where I can rebuild without the heavy stresses of my extremely difficult day to day life I currently endure. The normal day to day stresses will be manageable. I'll have a safe haven from the boot currently on my throat. What's stopping you? It's time to step up. You have the means and the resources. It's time to act beyond what you want to do and do what you need to do to the well being and life of one of your own. I understand your normal routine may be disrupted for a little while, things may have to be pushed back for a few to several months and for that I am sorry but if that is the worst thing to happen to you right now then I'd say you are pretty fortunate. Bottom line is I need your help now.

Will you help me now?