...And Then, 12 years, 7 months & 25 days Later

On January 24, 1998 I went to see "Good Will Hunting" in a Metro West movie theater.  I was feeling frustrated, angry, scared, emotionallty and physically alone.  The reason I remember the date: Super Bowl XXXII was the next day.  A few hours after getting out of the movie, I would abandon all reasoning, become unhinged emotionally and uttered hurtful words which changed the course of several lives, including my own.  It became the day I would beat myself up over realizing of how stupid and hurtful a person I could be at times.  "Good Will Hunting" had since been the token reminder of that night and what happened, and for that, I refused to watch it again.  


Upon reflection it's probably why I would bash Matt Damon every chance I got...but that isn't important right now.

Over the years, despite being forgiven by those involved,  I had tried to forgive myself but to no avail.  The mere mention of "Good Will Hunting" would start me headed down the path of self loathing and the uncontrollable need to feel like a jerk all over again.

Then tonight Sept 17, 2010, 12 years, 7 months and 25 days later or:

• 4620 days
• 399,168,000 seconds
• 6,652,800 minutes
• 110,880 hours
• 660 weeks

While trolling the Netflix Instant Watch selections I came across "Good Will Hunting" and for the first time since that cold, snow dusted night I watched it.  I watched it alone again, and I didn't obsess over that night.  I didn't relive my actions moment by moment.  I didn't remember how I felt in the moments after I let loose a tirade of epic hurtful proportions, I didn't feel my shame, my disgust, my self loathing the morning after.   I didn't see the teary face of one I hurt trying to apologize that morning.  I didn't sit wishing ad nauseam "If only I could go back and change it".  I simply sat and watched what I now know as a pretty good, well written, well acted, well directed movie.  I have finally forgiven myself once and for all.  What's done is done.  Life moves forward.  Leaving the past in the past, next stop: The future.

After all this time I am able to say I accept my actions from that night and can finally tell myself what I needed to hear.  


Paul, I forgive you.   


If there is something YOU are holding inside and aren't able to forgive yourself even though all others have, I hope one day you find the strength to really forgive yourself because I gotta tell you, despite feeling the weight of my world on these shoulders lately, at this moment, it feels much lighter.


As for Matt Damon....eh not worth the effort... ;-)


P

  

What goes around, comes around you Goony Goo Goo Bitch

I thought it would be fun for my 21 month old son and I to take a trip to Boston and stroll around the Public Gardens.  It's was beautiful, breezy day just ripe for walking, laughing and people watching.  I circle around the Gardens a few times looking for a parking space.  As luck would have it I passed one and stopped about 1 1/2 car lengths away.  I start to back up and another car starts to pull into the spot.  Normally if this happened in any smaller, non-metropolis locale, I would be inclined to start looking for another spot.  But this isn't a small metropolis where on-street parking is aplenty.  So I back up as far as I could and I get out of my car.  I ask the person to not take the spot because I was backing up into it.  The driver ignored my plea.  I approached the driver side door and asked again, perhaps little louder and maybe a few colorful metaphors sprinkled in.  Again I was ignored.  My level of frustration and anger was perdy close to "Glenn Close - Fatal Attraction - I Wont Be Ignored" levels.  Finally the driver rolls down his window and starts explaining to me I had pulled up too far and he was entitled to the spot.  I explained to him he was entitled to nothing and should do the right thing and move his car immediately.  He did not heed my advice and parked his car.  I again used some colorful language and my last words to him were "You reap what you sow, mother f'er".  I walked back to my car and began looking for another spot.  

As luck would have it a spot looked to be opening up not far from the last spot.  I politely asked the person if they were leaving and they responded in the affirmative.  They left and I parked.  As I was getting out of my car, the man and his (barely) female companion were approaching.  The female? said in a sarcastic tone,  "Oh I see you got a spot".  I responded with, "I had a spot back there but some ignorant asshole took it so just keep walking."  She volleyed back with, "You are not a nice person" with my response just acknowledging her, "Yep I'm not a nice person, YOU are a saint." I repeated to both of them, "Reap what you sow".  They walked away and I gathered up my son, his carriage and went on my way.  

As I walked towards the Gardens, I realized I was walking past their car.  I just happened to noticed the meter showed 00:00.  In other words, they didn't feed the meter.  Probably another entitlement of theirs.  As I walked away I made a wish and just let it be.

JD and I really enjoyed our time in the Public Gardens.  We saw several wedding parties doing pictures, joggers, people with puppies, ducks, swan boats, the statue of Washington on a horse (which JD loved).  We stopped to listen to a man breathe into a saxaphone...(and thru the walls you hear the city groan.  Outside it's America...sorry couldn't help myself)...where was I????  Oh yeah the Public Gardens.... Just a beautiful day for JD and I.  Lots of good Father / Son bonding.  After an hour we made our way back to the car.  As we passed the vehicle owned by the ignoramus and his Goony Goo Goo Aunt Bunny female companion I saw, to my glee, the glow of an orange rectangle gracing their windshield.  A smile wider than the Goony Goo Goo Aunt Bunny's ass appeared  and I thought to myself, "vengeance is mine!" (insert sinister laugh here)  I looked at my son and said one word, "Karma".  He looked back at me and said, "pee pee!"

As I was getting the van packed someone was waiting for my spot.  As I was putting JD in his seat another car pulled up and asked if I was leaving.  I explained to him someone else was already waiting for the spot pointing to the other car.  He cheerfully accepted it and moved on.  The gents in the car waiting gave me the thank you sign and I acknowledge it.  As I was moving towards my own door I noticed there was still an hour left on my meter.  I dropped in two more quarters and told the guys the meter was on me.  

JD and I left Boston feeling good knowing that good triumphed over evil today.  The down side is, I think I may have an anger management issue.... eh, f that and f you if you think that too!!!!! ;-)

PAK